Crash!

I am spiraling out of control.
A spiral 2d, is a single line of concentric circles that never touch each other.
3d, the same but adding a third demension, and allowing shape to create a funnel like a tornado or a wormhole or for that matter any tunnel. The concentric circles move in all three dimensions but still from one angle still look like concentric circles.
4d, movement through time, the spiral of a hawk, the controlled landing of an airplane, the movement if the rotors of a helicopter, the uncontolled descent of a flying object spiraling to its doom. My life, spiraling in circles, down and out of control, unwilling to stop, unable to get control over my addiction. My addiction to sex, my addiction to love that I do not have. The addiction to the lies of love, the fear of being alone. The addiction to feeling loved.

Is this the AS? Yes. Is the root from my childhood? Likely. I remember that I could not hug my mother as a child, I couldn't because I was told to stop. My mother I guess was trying to give me independence, but I felt that it was like rejection. I was seven. From then on I felt that I had to hold back. If I were mentally deficient people would let me hug them and believe I was a big innocent, but I never was. I got in trouble at school for kissing my girl friend in line in grade two. From that I learned that you can't do that in public, that you can't do that. Tanya, Tanja?, Nebrosky, Nebroski?

I have had eight hours sleep in two days. I was robbed two days ago because I wanted to feel loved, literally.

when a writer dies, a civilization dies too

when you read a book that you like you read more by that same writer.  when you read a lot of books by one person you start to feel like you know them.  when you read a lot of novels as a child you feel as though you have a new friend who has shared some important parts of your life.  When a writer that you read a lot of books as a child dies, you feel as the world will never be the same.  It has been a long time since i read a book by Anne McCaffery, but to me it still feels the world is a little less bright.

Man-Cold

There has been a plague that has crippled society.  It has weakened at least ninety percent of the men and reduced them to a shell of their potential.  This is a recent plague that I think has only infected the men of the West, but I am sure that one day soon it will affect the rest of the world including China and India.  The Man Cold.  Listen, let me tell you about the symptoms of the Man Cold.  The are the chills, the shakes, the slight feverish temperature.  It is accompanied by a near impossibility to breath, a full 50 percent blockage of the air passage ways and the rest of the time a runny nose that can best be compared to the infected's brains running out their nose.  The man affected is unable to lift their head, or even their body out of bed, for anything more strenuous than bathroom trips or meals.

Give me a break!  It is just a cold and you (the one with the "Man Cold") are a fucking pussy!  No, a pussy has more warmth and depth than what you are, you are a Man-Boy.  A Man-Boy looks like a man, big, strong, can grow facial hair, but acts like a child.  Life is a game for them, few responsibilities, lots of fun, they may even get married and squirt out a few children, but they are not responsible with money and chores are the things they don't have to do anymore since they left their parent's house.  Well, they may not have done them their either.  

A Man-Boy is exciting, spontaneous and they are engaging to be around; god be damned they are fun, but for goodness sake, please just grow up already!  Real men can be exciting too, but only after they have all the ducks lined up, all the d bets paid off, the children clothed and the bills paid.  Sure they are a real stick in the mud sometimes, I mean if a Man-Boy found he had a thousand dollar windfall, he would go to Mexico or buy a new TV or something.  A Real Man, would stick it in the bank for a rainy day.  Real men have three months salary in the bank, just in case.  Man-Boys are surprised by the arrival of winter in November and struggle to to find the money to pay for the heating bill.  Not so for the Real Man, saving for the winter heating bills begin after the snow melts.

A Man Cold, is just a cold.  Yes it feels bad sometimes, but it should not stop you from going to work and earning money to support your family.  Go to bed early if you have to, but be up nice and early so you can shovel the walk and do the dishes.  Go to work you lazy fucking sorry excuse for a man!!  

I am really okay with these Man-Boys, really, but they are very irresponsible and their lack of responsibility is a drain on society.  I think that Man-Boys should be chemically castrated until they own up.  If they don't, well, snip snip; make it permanent.

Oh you women, the is a plague going through your population too . . ..

Greenpsychopomp

Psychopomp:  An entity which escorts the dead into the afterlife.  Like Charon from Greek myth.  It is also a entity that brings a soul into transition, a subtle but important difference.  Green in this case is not just a colour.  For people in the West it means to be environmentally safe, it means to be environmentally proactive.  In Islam, green means something else, it is a colour of significance.  Look at the flags of all the Islamic countries, how many have green in them?

Greenpsychopomp, I am an entity who will escort people in to the new Green Economy.

The end of the world.

Super bored
I am not depressed.  I take no pleasure in doing anything.  Food does not really interest me, it is that thing that I chew and swallow.  Admittedly, food was not a big through in my life before now.  I have been re-watching Star Trek Voyager these past weeks.  I am deep into the series, season 5, and I am bored.  I watched that latest episodes of House and found some enjoyment, but now I am caught up.  Reading has been difficult.  Difficult to get into it that is.  My illicit affair has gone over twelve weeks without sex.  It has been boring for months now.  I am starting to believe that sex will remain uninteresting forever, again.  I feel like  I am just putting in time.  The truth of the matter is that I feel that it has been this way since late last year at this time.  But I have been working so hard it was not until now that I have begun to feel it. 

Days later, I am in Big Smoke.  I just met someone that has told me that Big Smoke is boring, I am going to take this someone to Smallville in Boonieland, for a week and show her the real measure of the word.  When I first got Big Smoke, I was disappointed, the Asian Market had closed down in the month that I was away and now I could not purchase any Indian food.  I am really unhappy about that.  But then I went to MY bookstore and I picked up the book I was looking for and the two books that I was going to give as gifts.  Both to people that claim to read this blog.  One I am going to use and black mail to reacquire the books that she has of mine and the other I am pretty sure has not read me in a long time.  

Then it was off to give a friend a massage, because I really like like to give people massages.  A new friend a massage.  That took about ninety minutes.  But it was good practice keeping my professional attitude.  Right now I am typing this up in a pizza joint where a friend works, a friend who I am not sure really wants me to be a friend.  But she seems to be happy to see me.  She brought her pet rat to work.  Great time for the health inspector to show up.  Better her boss is here with his family.  She could get seriously fired.  

Some people you can go months without talking to and pick up where you last left off, other people after months everything is dead.  In the past this friend was like the former, but the last time our exile was cause d because she found religion and has been re born.  I hope that we can still be friends though, because I care for her, and I want the best for her.  

I care for her and want the best for her, are my words that mean, I love her.  Currently I care for and want the best for, for five women.  Only one of whom I have actually slept with.  Love is complicated with me.  

So I want the best for her.  I want to protect her.  And she does not want me to do these things for her.  Do any of these women feel that way?  No, the do not.    If I can not keep them safe and happy, I hope they can find it in their own life.

Digression.  The problem with seeing all my friends on a journey to the Big Smoke is, my day is exciting, but if I were living here I would be bored more than 95% of the time here too.  The problem is, for someone who is super bored, changing location does not actually solve anything.  I know that I can not depend on anyone to make me happy, to keep me entertained, except myself.  

As to relationships, everyone tells me that I am a really good guy and everyone who I care about enjoys themselves in my presence, but for me to stop being a friend with people is hard.  More than a friend for me is nearly impossible.  The only people that want to be intimate with me, I have to pay.  

That is the second reason why I am super bored, I am hung up on sex and desire it all the time.  Seeking a relationship as a holy grail, has left me unsatisfied and bored.  Oh and I know the absolute truth about relationships.  My Soul Mate does not exist in the way that everyone thinks about it.  My soul mate is every woman walking down the sidewalk, driving down the road, sitting at home; they only need to meet me in the right circumstances, in the right light, and they are mine.  I only have to talk to them for a few days or snog with them a couple of times and I will be hooked.  With the caveat that we have something in common, something small.

Sometimes I am too smart for my own good.

Smarts vs Strength vs Smarts and Strength

Some people except it when other people tell them that something can or cannot be done.  Some people see a task that is completed one way as the only way that it can be completed.  In either case, I do not.  That does not mean that I do not procrastinate.  I like to work by myself.  I like to work in groups too, but mostly I like to work by myself.  Like this last week.

There is a task that must be preformed every year at my work place, it is one of the most onerous tasks there is.  Taking down the tables.  The front tables are massive 150 kg steel and steel mesh tops and four legs made from two cider blocks each.  The tops are large too, two meters by four meters.  Taking them down is a tough two man job, or a difficult four man job.  This year, I did it by myself.

I am a big guy, 190cm tall, 130 kg mostly muscle (20kg of fat I could lose) and I can lift my own weight.  I can lift these tables, barely if they are positioned correctly.  As previously mentioned I have a high IQ, but I do not put any force behind that assertion because I know that that means very little, but what it does mean is that I can learn from my mistakes and I can figure out how to do things and do them efficiently.  

So I was faced with a few problems, lifting the tables, the mesh is not attached to the frame and it has very sharp edges, moving the tables to the designated spot and stacking them on the ground.  I should point out that I did have use of a forklift.  

The first step took a little while; i had to wire the grill to the table so that it did not shift or come off.  Next, I positioned the forklift so that the forks were close to the table, then I pulled the table over and flipped it on end and slid it on to the forks so that it was up right and balanced.  Then I removed and stacked the cinder blocks and moved the forklift forward and repeated the process.  When I had the nine tables dismantled and moved into position I then lowered each table on the the ground and moved it forward off the forks.  I had to be careful, because if more than one table tipped over, I would be crushed.

The entire operation took about four hours, which was just about as long as it does with two people, one person four hours, two people two hours, but that is four man hours.  Of course the best part was that I got no recognition for doing it this way and by myself.  My boss did take the time to criticize me on a number of points, but he decided that he did not really want to help me.  That is fine; at my workplace you learn to live without praise.