Asperger's Syndrome, black and white.

I just could not stop crying.  I had picked up a book that I got a few years ago on Aspergers Syndrome but had never actually read and I started at the start and muddled through the heavy language feeling some compassion as if I was reading my life.  Moved to the FAQ at the back and there I was presented in chart form:

QUALITIES 
Honest
Determined
An expert
Aware of sounds that others can not hear
Kind
Forthright
A perfectionist
A loner
A reliable friend
Good at drawing
Observant of details that others do not see
Exceptional at remembering things that others have forgotten
Humorous in a unique way
Advanced knowledge in mathematics
Liked by adults

DIFFICULTIES 
Accepting mistakes
Making friends
Taking advice
Managing anger
Handwriting
Knowing what someone is thinking
avoiding being teased
Showing as much affection as other family members expect
Coping with sudden noise
Explaining thoughts using speech

 And then I just broke down in the Park where I was reading.  You can't understand what it is like seeing yourself described in print by a stranger who has never met you, accurately.

Now I have a headache

The tough part of reading this book is that it makes me feel suicidal.  Because I have gone nearly forty years without it and now I see that if I had known earlier, much grief would have been avoided.  More, I might have been in a better position.  My personal paranoia that when someone says something nice to me the constant waiting for the social jab.  I hate compliments because I do not believe them.  The waiting for someone to deliver a coup de grace as I wait.

I really hate people, even though I need them.