I Feel Happy!

Personal stuff.

I am happy.  There is sucky stuff in my life, my longtime friend dying slowly, seeking to live as long as he can, but not seeking treatment for the cancer, he seems to want to actually die from cancer.  But at the same time he is putting his family through hell.  I understand that he is afraid to die.  Everyone who is older sees this as normal and acceptable, but I don't.  I don't because he has given up living until he it fifty or more and he is instead giving his children future trauma and making his wife's life hell, trying to raise two children AND care for a man that has all the baggage of dying and wishing he can be as he was but instead depending on her.  It is selfish behaviour.  It is behaviour that has plagued him his entire life, that and lack of empathy.  The man that suggested that spending money on premature children, and continuing to care for the results of a premature birth as they go through the school system is a waste of money, but reverses his opinions when he himself has a premature child.  He has now reversed his opinion of end of life care now that he is in his end of life.  All that stress and I am still very happy.

I am happier than I have ever been.  I sing songs, "I've got Sunshine…", my humour is still dark at times, but it is also very light, so light grey with a hint of rose.  Bouts of depression are mild, shallow and short lived.  I am happy.

Yesterday, Natural20 and I went out and did some shopping, I picked up some essentials, and she did some Christmas shopping and we bought a couple of rings together.  Rings!  Rings to signify that we are linked and that when her kids are old enough and we decide that it is the right time we will get married.

Me married!  Never in the last twenty years had I thought that possible!  The choices were clear, yellow or white, because that's all she ever knew so it was clear that it had to be one of those two.  We looked at white and yellow gold, tried them on and spent some time looking but then I saw it there something better.  I had always thought that yellow was nice and plain, white was cold.  I always wanted warm.  Rose Gold.  A bit of copper to make gold warm, there it was right there.  I think it as Natural20 realizing that red gold was possible and that it was a new idea, a new life, something unexpected.  That she wanted to go through with it, that it was not an idle fancy.  She will wear it next to her other rings, warm beside the others hidden in plain sight, just like us.

When I see her, I see the future, a happy future.