I have Autism and I am functional because I have a mild form of Autism and I am self aware. Which only means I recognize that I have behaviours that I need to change. I recognize that some of those behaviours are bad and I recognize that I can change them; I give myself the power to change. It is not always easy to do this. Some behaviours seem to be positive and are really not. Moreover, sometimes situations change and when they change I need to change with them.
I have been in a relationship with Natural20 for over a year now, and I am very happy. I am happier than I have ever been. I am calmer because of our relationship. But before her, I was single for years and I was single between relationships for years. I did not understand why. It was because I was demisexual too. Demiromantic, actually. Which means that it took me months to move from meeting someone until I was sexually attracted to them. You can't usually rush someone who is Demi. You can't rush a demisexual person at all and if you rush a demiromantic you just get a fuck friend. You need time to develop a Demi into a fore-filling relationship.
Demi is and I can't see a fix for it, try as I might. I can't get past seeing women as just people and not as sexual objects. I think it is a positive behaviour that many men do not have. But it is a negative behaviour because when I am single I will stay single an extraordinary length of time. But it is more positive because women can feel comfortable around me. But is leads to another negative behaviour and that behaviour is when my female friends are single I fall in love with them more easily. Because, the most important aspects of sexual attraction and friendship are identical and for a Demisexual/Demiromantic person, sexual attraction only comes after you know the person. I feel that this is the correct time, but most people want the attraction to come first. I look around and see all those people who are in bad relationships because of sexual attraction at first sight. But. What happens is those people have formed a friendship with me and they want that friendship more than they want sex. Because the sex is always troubled, because the friendship is better than sex. I have heard it all and that is not this entry; go look at an entry from years ago.
The thing is. I love Natural20 and I don't want things to change with her. I love her. But there is PrettyKitty, whom I met before I met Natural20. But I was not in a position to do anything with her. Then I met Natural20. But then PrettyKitty is now single and then we discover the bad behaviour that I need to curb and remove. I only realized that it was there when I was chatting with PrettyKitty and I discovered that I had made her feel uncomfortable. Did I make her feel uncomfortable enough to make her want to distance herself from me. And the thing is, I feel that it was warranted. The thing is, that if I were single, I might not see this as negative behaviour. But I am not single, and so this is all making me reflect and take a look at everything again. Alter my behaviour remove the bad and keep the good. It is trying to recognize what the bad behaviour is.
The behaviour is that I have to change is to just stop looking. I figured out that I can't look when I am single; it will drive me crazy. And when I am not single I just have to be happy being happy. I have to be happy and stop looking. And I have to adjust and stop seeing potential everywhere. Because it does not exist. I will never be happier than how I am now.
This is part way through this process. I have to think about this more. I am sorry PrettyKitty, I did not mean to make you uncomfortable. I am sorry Natural20, I love you and I will never be more happy than when I am in your arms, the memory of your embrace keeps me going.
No comments:
Post a Comment