Moods

I went house hunting.  I am very malleable to other people's ideas and I can be manipulated easily.  I know what I can live with but people tell me what I should do and look for and they are not right for me.  But I do what I am told to do.  Mostly because of repetition and sarcasm.  You need your own place.  You need to have laundry in your apartment or in the building.  Then there is the sarcasm telling me that otherwise is inappropriate.  And telling me that I can't just pick the first place I look at.  And that I need parking, because I don't have a car.  But if I have parking then I can accept work with my old company and I can spend two hours a day commuting.  

And I began looking for an apartment late and the apartments are 50% more expensive.  And it is a landlord's market in Big Smoke, meaning every listing has more than five people looking at it.  The emotions that are passing through me are overwhelming me.  And there are other things.  Part of this is demisexualism.  It is affecting me more generally.  I have lost my drive.  Heading to the big city to find love is now gone.  It feels like that part of my life is over.  And now I am empty of direction and everything else.  I still want to Game, but that is going away too.  I want to write too, for now.  Still horny but that is not aimed at anyone and so it just is.  Clearly I am depressed, but I don't know if it is general or deep.  If one person calls me back with a place for me I might be happy or I might not be.  

Part of me knows that getting back out and expressing myself will make me happier.  Dating might help too—but I don't see the point of dating anymore.  Dating feels like a fight to be popular enough to interest someone who may judge me on the basis of the month I am born in or the colour of my hair.  Meeting people takes a lot of work for me and superficial shutdowns kill my urge to even try.  And yet I try.  Someone once said Libido is a disease.  It is a disease that I have been cursed with my entire life and it ruins my life.  

Apathy