Broken

I don't know if it is maturity visa vie my autism and the imposed delay on mental development, but things have happened mentally recently.  A corner has been passed and I have let some things go in my life.

• Hopes that I will be reunited with India (code name for a real live person).  I decided it was stupid of me our lives a long past.

 • Dating.  I have given up.  It will happen or it won't.  Moving to where there are more people like me live has not helped.  There is nothing about me that they want.  At the same time I generally get positive vibes from every woman I meet by being polite and courteous, in a sense, being me.  I have never tried really to "jump" anyone ever and I never will.  If this is the only way I could get sex, I never will then.  I will be single forever and so I will also be monogamous too.

• I still want to die.  There is nothing to look forward to at all, ever.  But I will not seek my end either.  There is no plan.  There is no one looking out for me, except for my friends, which are not people I work with.  Family, yes but under the same criteria as friends, my sister may be my sister, but she is meaningless if she is not my friend too.  She is my friend, a friend I don't talk to that frequently, but I rarely talk to Tim, but he is always in my heart.

• stuff.  I gave up so much stuff to move where I am to be with the people I am with because in my mind it was forever.  I was wrong.  The stuff is gone, I don't need it. Books I don't need them after I have read them.  

I have essentially become a Monk, the Christian version of it.  Maybe Buddhist.  I don't drink alcohol, I don't do drugs, I don't own a car, I don't eat meat, I don't have sex, I don't have fun anymore.  I feel like every time I turn around I am trying to make the people around me happier and not expecting anything back and I am not receiving it, so success.  This blog is anonymous so if anyone is reading this, you don't know who I am, those few people that do know who I am, know that I won't except their praise or help or whatever, except I will talk with them and listen to them and go our separate ways.

I am losing ground all the time now.  I cry.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I feel lost, so I have now accepted that I will be losing ground and my dreams that have never come true, still will never come true, so I might as well be at peace with it, this is just how the world works for me.  Time for some sleep ing pills, I still have to go to work tomorrow, where I will drive four or five Guatemalans to a job and then I might go and deliver stone to another job, or I will work manual labour for eight to thirteen hours with one half hour break, or drive a lot.

Broken.