I typically make loads of errors because of my obsession. I become obsessed with one woman in particular. I really like to do that, because it feels like that one sided relationship is the best kind of relationship for me. No not the best kind for me, but the only kind I have had. Which is not true. I have had a relationship with an older woman, who had different life goal than I did. I have had a relationship with a married woman, who was perfect in every way that mattered except that she was married already. So when I say One-Sided-Obsessive relationships are the best ones for me, I mean the best of a bad set of relationship types. The worst type of relationship to have is the right one, when you don't know yourself.
When I get this way, porn loses its appeal; it has been losing its appeal more over the last long while. Interest in the opposite sex has been waning. Winning because when I try and fail it hurts. When I see a profile that interests me and I give it a try, I put a little effort into trying to write something to appeal to them, to make something, a small paragraph to interest them into wanting to make enough effort to actually do more than click and click away. I feel that a profile is a resume and people passing by me means that I am not me. I am not real: I am just an image on a screen like so many others.
I was told once by a woman on these sites, that men tell her that the women looking for a relationship, end up sleeping with the man on the first date. I want more than a one night stand.
I want to find someone that I can come home to every day forever. That's what I want. That is the gold standard. Silver place goes to the short term relationship and bronze is the one night stand. I want to retire with a gold medal. I want to do away with dating forever, but Silver is also a win. Bronze does not work well for me, but I would rather take home a Bronze, than go home alone.
Some people, some women go for bronze, and collect a few bronze medals before realizing that that one bronze has become a silver or a gold. Maybe that is what women are looking for: sex that becomes more and more. It is clear I have no clue. And I can't do that. I wish I could. I like sex, after a fashion, and I want more, but feel that I can't do that. While I am obsessed about sex and obsessed about relationships, I am in a rut about how to do things, about the path to follow, the methodology to accomplish my goal. Autism is not just about obsession it is about rigidity of behaviour.
Rigidity of behaviour caused by thinking in lines, straight lines. Logical deductions based on available evidence. A leads to B leads to C and so on. When new information comes out that A leads to C which leads to E is difficult to reconcile with everything that you know and so change is hard. After a long time thinking you realize that sometimes A leads to B which leads to C, but that other times A leads to C which leads to E and this makes now makes sense to you and now the Laws of this behaviour are immutable again. Then you find out that A leads to B, C, D, E, F, G, … X, Y and Z which then leads to some other letter or number. And that is why I can't understand relationships and find them so difficult because I don't know the rules or that the rules are written in a language I can't understand and if I were able to read the rules I would find out that there are no rules. Tell a person who is obsessive about follow the rules that there are no rules and watch them look for the rules anyways. That is me.
There was this profile it said they were looking for me, every thing I was. They stated they were looking for someone that open minded that was not too possessive who liked to read and write who would be okay if she had a girlfriend but understood that that did not mean a threesome was going to happen. I am finding that just because someone matches exactly what they are looking for or that similarities are abound that they will take that moment to divide to look for differences and concentrate on those. When someone is looking at the differences between people, it is time to give up, because if you list the differences between identical twins you will decide that these two people could not be siblings.
SuperGirl, who said that age was just a number, seemed to be very similar to me in many ways, but I got the feeling that had decided that I was to dissimilar. Maybe it was more that it did not feel right. And again we come back to that there are no rules and I can't comprehend a lack of rules. When I am confronted with this fact I get depressed and I want to quit. Quit life.
It is hard to put on a face that says that I am happy. I have an autistic face, a face that does not reflect what I feel necessarily. I can't tell what people feel, but I also don't project well either. I want to be obsessed with the Girl at work. I want to pretend that I have a reason to live, that I have something to look forward to. I want to be normal, to have a relationship, like everyone else. Wouldn't it be great if I were normal?
No comments:
Post a Comment