Why I want to die

Warning: sex talk

Figuring out why I want to die took a lot of time.  I knew why I wanted to die a long time ago, but the why has taken a very long time; I could only put it into words recently.  This blog post is why I can't let a possible future romantic person read this blog.  All the information is right there.

Can you figure it out WaifGirl? Anyone else?

It IS self pity to be sure, but why?  

It is why I am almost perpetually unhappy.

It has a lot to do with my Autism Spectrum Disorder, that and who I am, the things that happened in my life that made my version of ASD so bad, for me.  If I were low functioning or average functioning the ASD would manifest differently.  If I were an extrovert and not an introvert.  If stuff happened in my life differently when I was younger, not finding my father's Playboys when I was five.  If my parents divorced when I was younger instead of staying together like they have.  What I am saying is that there are so many factors, that are meaningless and not so meaningless, that conjoined with my introversion and my ASD to make me, a person who is perpetually unhappy and wants to die.  

I may be wrong, if I had what I think I want, I might still be unhappy and trust me I want to find if that is true.  If that statement is false, I will be happy; I want to be happy, I just can't get past it.

Obsessive Complusive Disorder can be cured with drugs and therapy, unless it is not OCD, then it can't be cured, unless the sufferer's mind can be rewritten.  One of the effects of ASD is OCD like symptoms, things that you need to do because you are constantly thinking about them, and, "So, stop thinking about it," doesn't help because if you could just stop thinking about it, it would not be OCD!

Some of the OCD like effects are harmless like self talking and arm flapping or  Tourette's like ticks, but sometimes they are self destructive.  Mine is potentially both.  Under the correct conditions, it would be invisible and I would not know that I had this problem, but that has not happened and so I want to die.

Why?  My like OCD, is about love and sex.  I am truly obsessed with sex, ask my friends.  I don't talk a lot about sex here, but probably more than most people blog about sex.  I talk a lot about love though and when I am pursuing love no-one reads my posts— I have the stats for my blog, the love poetry has zero hits; my angst gets lots of hits.

I am obsessed with sex, but I have a fetish that prevents me from cumming unless I love the person I am fucking.  So sex, casual sex, fuck buddy sex, friendly sex, pity sex is only unforfilling masterbation, unless I love the person. Oh I have noticed that people don't have the above sex if they think the person is I love with them.  The less sex I get, the more obsessed with it I become and that makes sense, you don't form obsessions about something that you have enough of.  

So the normal way people fall in love these days is they fuck and cum, and the resulting euphoria establishes a bond, they have sex more frequently and strengthen the bond and then they are in love.  You must have seen this or experienced it.  Some people form romantic connections first fall in love then have sex, but these are not normal people.  NORMAL: what most people are doing.  I am not saying romantic love is wrong, I am saying that it is no longer normal.

I can't do love the normal way, I have to be friends first, I have to fall in love; I have to love you as a person and still want to have sex with you too.  But this obsession and the realization that it will never be filled makes me unhappy, makes me want to die.  I am not going to kill myself today or tomorrow, I have to wait for certain people to die first, but they are about twenty years older than me or more, so I have until then to find love or I will die.

Green the Economy

I have talked about this before and I tend to repeat myself, but nothing has changed, therefore I speak about it again.

Money Mining.  

Multinational Corporations minimize local and manufacturing costs at a minimum and sell product for the maximum they can but lower than any local competition, therefore they maximize profits and create local poverty.

It is a simple concept, corporations set up a business in a town and export as much money as they can out of the town.  Lately, this has been about large multi national corporations mining even more money and exporting money out of country.  All money mining is bad, the later version is worse.  

The process of mining money creates a number of positive feedback loops.  Positive feedback refers to greater effects and are not generally good effects.  

Multinational comes to a town and sets up a business.  They typically set up in a low tax area or they negotiate lower tax rates, because they are big and represent short term positive employment.  Next they bring in inexpensive solid non perishable goods.  These goods are typically made outside the country and most likely made in impoverished countries for a pittance.  This does a good thing, it potentially gives wages to poorer people than anyone in the wealthy countries could imagine, but most often the manufacture of these goods does the opposite by relying on the large pool of labour in these countries, they pay lower wages than average and then ship the product to the wealthy country; the price of shipping the product to the shelf is the majority of the cost of the item.  

Then the item is sold for less than any comparable item in the town, but because of the extremely low cost of the production and shipping of the item, this represents a large profit.  Wages of the staff members of the stores are kept low which keeps expenses low and profits high and guarantees that employees MUST shop there, because they can't afford to buy locally.  Low wages mean more money gets mined and sent outside the country.  Alternate local businesses can't compete with the lower prices and local businesses fail, which increases the local labour force meaning they can afford to pay less to all employees because jobs now are scarce.  More unemployment locally means more people that shop at the inexpensive store, increasing profits which are removed from the town and the country.  

Additionally, perishable goods must be bought more locally, but very little store infrastructure is invested in the maintenance of the perishable goods, increasing profits and to lower costs of the manufacturer, the only buy on consignment; all unsold product is not purchased and is thrown away.

Essentially, the opening of a large multinational store front represents a future of poverty. 

The ideal local economy should be as efficient as possible, meaning that the wages and the profits from local businesses should drive the economy with very little outside enrichment.  Local businesses would pay higher wages, local businesses are smaller and more specialized, meaning there are more of them and that means they employ more people than one multinational business and that means more people with higher wages.  Local business profits tend to be lower, but more of the money that is generated is spent in the local economy, in those other local businesses.  

An exclusive local economy has almost never worked.  A local area can rarely produce all the goods that the area needs or desires and that was why trade developed thousands of years ago and still does today.  The most efficient economy would be a series of local economies that supply all products in a artisan style of industry.  Each local economy producing basic and a few specialty goods that they can trade for other specialty goods from other local economies.  This is the heart of Communism, a group of communal localities that is 100% efficient in producing its own needs.

Where Communism fails is that not everyone works as well as others and there needs to be an incentive of rewards for working harder that is rarely present in this type of system.  Oh, and when I say Communism, I am not referring to communism with autocratic leaders, but a democracy with a communist like economy.  Big products cost more, but more people are involved in its production, so the the wealth is spread around more too, but under this ideal, money mining is the antithesis.  

Capmunism?  Comiptalism?  The Green Economy.  The pursuit of wealth, is allowed, but not through exploitation of people or the environment.  Exploitation is when you use a resource without giving much of anything back:  people, animals, soil, waters and minerals.  Local economies produce as much as they can locally, export surplus and import the rest, but so that resource accumulation does not readily occur, unless you work hard.  For example, if you like to go on trips, the harder you work, the better the trip you can take, if you like cars, the harder you work the better the car you can get.  I f you like to learn, work hard and you can take time off and go to school and learn more.

Oh, how I have diverged, such are the dangers of writing on an idea over two days!

Doctor Obsession

I have not talked about Asperger's in a while, except everything is Asperger's with me, because it forms a lot of the basic background of me.  It is the essence of how I react to the world, remove it and my entire outlook and the way that I interact with things would be different, but everything that I added to myself would be the same.

This evening, I was reminded of one or two things that I was/am obsessive about.  The obsessions come on never really gradually, but more like the opposite.  I will be exposed to something for years or hardly ever, but then one day I will be neck deep in it and no one can get me out of it, no matter what they do.  Sometimes, I will snap out of it and then it will be as if I was never interested in it, but often this never happens.  

Very often in the past, it had to do with Television.  I would watch a TV program and then I would have to watch them all, and I would watch reruns so that I could be sure that I had seen them all.  When my work schedule caused me to stop watching prime time television, I discovered that the habit was kicked and when the opportunity to start watching again, I elected not to.  When I moved I did not have one and when people offered me one for fre,e I declined.

But, it was not always the case.  My friend watched Doctor Who for years and I was never interested so, I never watched it.  Then one day, years after, some time in high school I started watching it compulsively.  This was some time ago, back when they were still making new episodes of the old type.  This was also the early years of the VCR, Video Cassette Recorder, I knew how to program it and I went very deep and very hard into Doctor Who.  

As I said, I had a friend that had been watching episodes for years at this point and in a very short time, about two years, I had eclipsed his knowledge on the subject.  I was recording full episodes every Saturday night on PBS right after Nova, how I wish that I was watching Nova as well hosted by Carl Sagan.  I watched complete episodes that would normally stretch over a month or two of weekly half hour episodes.  How I wish that I had money to spend back then and bought multiple tapes instead of one tape used over and over again, because a lot of these episodes are now lost.  But I watched them.

I saw the first episode with the Dalecks, and the first episode with the Cybermen and countless others.  I saw the first colour episode, minted in 1972, but for a couple of years after that, it remained the only one.  By-the-way, that first colour episode involved plastic maniquins that moved and shot people with their hands, precisely like in the first episode of the new series.  

I swear that I have seen almost episode of the first Doctor, except the second one, I have seen only one episode of the second Doctor, the last one and one other, all the episodes of the third, fourth and fifth doctor, including the one that was unfinished because of a labour dispute, I saw this one on YouTube this year.  I have seen the majority of the Sixth Doctor and all of the Seventh.  The movie a couple of times and every episode of the new series, some at least three times.  I watched the cartoon series too.  

So when I say I get obsessed about something, I really do get obsessed with it.  Like Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, first edition, I had every book, really, in one form or another.  I own every Exalted book too, first and second edition.

So . . . I watched the 50th anniversary Doctor Who special . . . And caught all the references to the first episode . . ..  

The Real 10 Commandments

Earlier this year I posted on my Facebook account a status: "I bet no-one can name the Ten Commandments.".   No-one did, but then I am betting that that post was passed by friends thinking that I was just being a Militant Atheist.

That was not the point though.  The point was that I was betting that no-one actually knew.  Bible scholars know them off by heart and can recite the story of Moses climbing Mount Sinai and receiving the commandments on two stone tablets and reading them aloud and breaking them seeing the people worshiping a false idol and breaking the first five of the commandments.  Moses then went back up the mountain and had them re-carved into new tablets and coming back down. 

That is how people remember it, but it never happened that way.  No I mean, that is not the story in the bible.  The story in the bible is that Moses goes up the mountain and comes down the mountain with the Ten Commandments, but before reading them he finds them worshiping the Golden Calf and he then breaks the tablets before reading them, therefore God tells him that he must make two more tablets and to repeat the process and God says that he will put the EXACT same words on the new tablets.  

Between the two trips to the mountain, Moses destroys the Golden Calf and sets up the Ark of the Covenant, for which there are no Ten Commandments to put in, because they were destroyed, but Moses gives everyone the words that everyone who belongs to the three religions, Judaism, Christianity and Islam,  treats AS the Ten Commandments.  These commandments are states as:

I am the Lord your God who has taken you out of the land of Egypt.

You shall have no other gods but me.

You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

You shall remember the Sabbath and keep it Holy.

Honor your mother and father.

You shall not murder.

You shall not commit adultery.

You shall not steal.

You shall not bear false witness.

You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor.

Moses then goes back up the mountain and the tablets are re-written and Moses comes back down and reads the tablets once with very little fanfare and puts them into the Ark, never to be seen again.  From Exodus 30, 14-26:

You shall have no other gods before Me.

You shall make for yourself no molten gods.

You shall keep the feast of unleaven bread.

You shall work for six days but on the seventh day you shall rest.

You shall observe the feast of weeks.

Three times a year you shall bring all your male children before the Lord.

You shall not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven.

Neither shall the feast of the Passover be left until the morning.

The first of the first fruits of your land shall be brought unto the house of the Lord your God.

You shall not boil a kid in its mother's milk.

You say, "What?!?"  I know that it is hard to reconcile what it says in the bible with what you were taught, but it is quite clearly stated. In Exodus 34, 28 "and he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments."  

I want to rush out and confront the lie to all the priests to see what they say, for since they are all bible scholars, they must know that it is true.  It must be that the second set of commandments, the true ones, did not roll off the tongue as well as the ones that stated: thy shall not, murder, steal, lie, covet, have sex outside of marriage.  The only thy shall not in the second is about boiling a baby goat in its mother's milk, which means please boil a kid in its aunt's milk.  The second makes more sense in the contest of God, he seems to be more concerned about how people make sacrifices to him than what they do in their off time.

Anyways i find it funny that the learned biblical scholars teach a set of commandments that breaks their own ninth commandment.

Snow! November 23!

There is snow on the ground!  

It is November 23rd and this is the earliest that the ground has frozen and snow has graced it in, in a very long time.  It used to be like this all the time.  There used to snow on the ground from this time until the last of the snow melted in April, but it has not been true for about twenty years.  

I remember my first green Christmas, it was such a novel idea that it was almost as rare as a white Christmas is these days.  Almost.  But the idea of having snow now, at this time of the year, staying until spring, leaves me feeling a little  upset.  Not for the weather, nor for the climate, but for the climate change deniers.

People that until this point would have glumly said I guess the climate is changing, those people with blessedly short memories on what past climate was like, would see early snow as proof that they were wrong.  The only people that have a right to this opinion are children born in the last fifteen years, people who have only experienced warm weather.  People who are older, and have experienced a "normal" progression of seasons prior to significant change should not, but too often do.

The problem is that so many people are removed from the natural world.  They live in worlds where the temperature is always the right temperature and inclement weather is something that is only really viewed in that always on television screen called a window.  They get into their climate controlled car from the house, which is always 21°C except when they are chilled and the thermostat is raised to 25°, move between home and office in their neat little climate controlled car, into the warm confines of their cubical.  At coffee break they commiserate with their fellow inmates about how cold it is outside, even though few if any have actually spent any time out in it.  People pay their heating and cooling bills with little connection to the climate except to complain that how high the bill was this month.

Look around.  Look at people wear.  People's dress has changed over the years.  It has ceased to be functional over form, form meaning how stylish it is and how pretty it is and function is about how utilitarian it is, how well it stands up to the stresses of the environment.  I dress in simple clothes, mostly t-shirts because I am mostly hot all the time, but when I am cold I do not reach for the thermostat, but I reach for another layer a thin coat or a heavy sweater made of wool.  When I step out side I reach for a coat that if it is raining not do much to protect me, but will keep me warm.  I have a selection of coats, light medium and heavy.  To be sure, my heavy coat is a horridly ugly affair, dark blue with no decoration and solid.  Actually it rips and tears too often and I have to get out a needle and repair it, but it is filled with down and it keeps my warm in a t-shirt in -20° such that I sweat profusely, and with a sweater and shirt in -30°.  Much colder than that it would work as well, but those temperatures face not been too frequent, if ever felt by me, but I am sure my heavy coat would work as well.  I don't get a chance to wear it much, because the winters have all been warm as of late, nothing much below -20°.  

But I look at my fellow inmates and see that they wear winter wear that is thin, with good cuts that show off their bodies, with little affectations of fur, trimmings and light decoration that makes one look like they are ready for cold weather but do naught.  People I see will don their pretty little clothes and go for a walk and freeze their little tushes off, and say bitterly that climate change is a myth.

Climate is something of a trend, not an event.  It is an average, individual experiences of a a decade smoothed out into one idea.  Climate says that we receive such and such amounts of precipitation each year, this much in snow and this much in rain that the temperatures will be about here this month and although one month may have colder temperatures as compared to year to year and more or less rain, over large time period these differences balance out.  Climate change is not about the weather, it is about how the trends have been changing over the last few decades where previous decades were more static.

We have snow in the third week of November!  I see, someone would say thirty years ago, winter is a week late, normally it would have come by the second week, then they would say that it might not stay, it could melt and we might not lasting snow cover until the start of December.  But since people are removed from weather these days, it is not something more than an inconvenience, something to add to the water cooler chatter.

I myself will have to today get on my three layers, warm wind resistant gloves, and wool hat, don my bike helmet and head to the laundromat and later head to the grocery store and hope that the snow does not hinder my bicycle.  Really, if you dress for it cold weather can be quite fun. 

Beware the lurking agenda

Lately the Canada's Left of Fascist Government has taken to being underhanded.  Well that is not exactly true, in the past when it was just right of centre, it was slightly progressive, it was after all the Progressive Conservatives.  Since it dropped the Progressive it adopted the near Fascist type policies.  Okay I will admit it is not like the conservative policies of a true fascist like government and it is not as bad as the American Right, but for Canada it is bad.  

For starters, they have been putting a muzzle on our scientists.  Scientists that work for e government must apply to the government if they wish to speak to the media, and the act of application does not mean they will succeed, more often than not they are denied.  The muzzle has since been extended to government libraries and other government sectors.  They are not allowed to discuss their research and they are decidedly not allowed to attend conferences.  

Mostly this has been aimed at scientists that were doing research on the environment and the climate.  According to our government, there is no proof that the climate is changing and it's proof is that their scientists, our scientists are not telling the public anything.  Also, projects that studied the environment have been quietly shut down and funding reallocated.  Funding for pure science has been cut off and the funding has been redirected towards science that has "results".  Results, however, are goals that are defined by the government and end up making money for private businesses.

Don't get me wrong, shoring up Canadian businesses with hard scientific breakthroughs is important, but it is not as important as pure science, which is money making in unforeseen ways and usually to a much greater degree than directed science.  Directed science that helps oil companies exploit the wealth of the Oil Sands.

Another thing this Government has been doing is limiting the time that can be spent on environmental assessments for resource development and public hearings as well in an attempt to fast-track resource exploitation.  This is great for multi-national companies as it speeds these processes that can take years to about six months and allows them to create large toxic tailing ponds at the site of development.

One of the government research facilities that they tried to shut down last year was the Experimental Lakes Area, which is a series of lakes that have a watershed to themselves that does not flow into any major river or empty into any ocean; they are completely self contained.  These one hundred to two hundred lakes were set aside to allow scientist to carry out horrific experiments to try to understand how real lakes and real environments work when they are tampered with.  It is unique in the world and scientists from around the world came there to understand how pollution affects the world.  It was here that they proved the harmful effects of phosphorus on the ecosystem and it could be at this research station that many detrimental effects of the type of pollution that mines and oil production produce could be understood; they might also hold the answers on how to best clean up this pollution too.  

Science is not the only thing that is endangered by this government, civil liberties are being cut back one item at a time.  Just this week, the government put forward a Bill, a proposed law that would protect people from Cyber Bullying, at least that is how the government framed it.  There is a lot of real protections listed in this Bill, but there are a lot more things in it too.  Amongst the provisions that require the permission of any explicit images of the people portrayed and updates of  harassment laws to include Internet, social media and future unspecified technologies, but it also allows the police to seize computers and search internet search histories without a Court Order, like it is now.  Also added is a provision that allows the police to track people and computer usage without justifying the breach of civil liberties to a judge.  And these are just a few of the things that have been discovered hiding in this Bill a day after it was introduced.

I remember when the current leader of this country was merely the Leader of the Opposition and complained bitterly when the Liberals, the right of centre party, introduced Omnibus legislation, bills that contained a few hundred separate changes to laws that were brought in and passed as one law.  Now that he is in control, he does not stop at a few hundred changes, several hundred to almost a thousand separate changes to laws in one bill that is handily passed because they have force of numbers.  Promises of electoral reforms that they campaigned on lie forgotten along the road where they received a clear majority, never mind that the majority of people never voted for them.

Superstitious trial

Dating in Smallville is tough; I have complained about it before.  Mostly because I am not the kind of person that should live in Smallville. I should live in Big Smoke.  But I don't.

I am an intellectually based type person.  Almost all of my interests stem from the brain.  I like reading and writing.  I like SciFi and Fantasy. I like role-playing games and board games.  I like bicycles.  I like quiet things.  I like cats.  I am politically interested in socialism and feminism.  I do not like going off-road, nor Mudding –whatever that is.  I find loud noises as disturbing as crowds of more than five people that I do know and crowds of three people I don't know.

So it came as a surprise that I ran across a profile of a woman from living in Smallville who liked SciFi and Fantasy, role-playing games and computer games, she like doing quiet things and doing things in crowds, okay one thing off, but not bad so far.  She has similar political leanings and she seems to be out of place in this town.  I had to write her a note.

The trouble is, is that she is not a frequent responder.  Right now she is responding once every two weeks and it is driving me nuts.  Driving me nuts because she is the most interesting woman in all of Boonieland that I have seen so far.

The other trouble is that I am getting suspicious that I need to talk about her to someone else that she is not responding to my latest message for her to respond.  And that is irrational.  I live in fear that she has stopped messaging because she has slipped into an adequate relationship and I am going to be alone this winter, again.

Sometime I wish no one knew who is writing this.

It is important to have friends, they help you keep your sanity and they are people that you share your life with, but sometimes things happen to your friends that you can't help them with, therefore you have to what you can and be there for them for when you can do something for them.

I sit here about to enter a full blown illness.  It has been sneaking up on me for nearly a week.  Headaches brought on by: fuel oil spills in my work area, caused by severely poor maintenance and real age of equipment, other chain smoking employees chain smoking in the work area— in contradiction to town by-laws and new legislation in the province and others, and of course real illness.  I have not been sick in a good while, about 23 months exactly and I guess I am due, but it is happening at a very bad time.  A dear friend needs me.

Need means something beyond want.  I this case she wants me to watch their house and cats while she is gone.  She does not know when she will be back, but when a friend asks you something like this you do not say that you are getting sick and you would rather not, you just do it, because the situation is more important than slight personal inconvenience.

My dear friend has had a rough couple of years, rougher than the couple of years before that, which were rougher than most people's, so I know that I will do anything to make her life easier in this time of stress.  I know that some people who know me, who read this, can figure out who I am talking about, but I would harken for them to pay close attention: my friend is 19 years older than me and thus she is a window into what life might be like for them or people that they know at her age and the problems that will happen to them; prepare yourself!

I can't get a date in this town, I might be too picky– not willing to date people that are not close to my own political ideals, nor having any interests in common, not able to date women twenty years younger because I would then be a creepy old man, even though for some odd reason there are lots of women that age that fit my interests and political leanings.  BUT, as I said get some perspective, my friend needs me.  In the last two years alone, she has found out that seven friends that she was close to, twenty years ago, had all died in the space of a few months.  

I have a friend who is twenty years my junior, who caught an extremely horrible affliction called Faith, and is following her faith into ruin, willingly.  Boy friend who can't find work because he is unemployable, but she still insisted that condoms are evil and abortions are worse and God wanted her to get pregnant, because if he didn't, it wouldn't have happened!  I want to rush in and save her, but she does not want my help, even though she needs more help than my friend that needs me now.  Perspective: in the last nine months, her best (from childhood) friend's husband, whom she was good friends with for over fifty years died.  Her adopted sister, read that as better than best friend, from her adult years, died a couple months ago.  This crippled her, both of them, but more that latter.  

Perspective, things that people do to themselves to make their life worse are still in need of rescuing, but when horrible things happen to the people that you love, because that is what happens in life, you have to do what ever you can to ease their burden.  Now her brother….  She has to go and sit and wait, to do something that for her has become normal, more often than anything like weddings or happiness like things. 

My friend, is not a touchy type person.  I can't hug her better.  I can't let her cry on my shoulder.  I can go and take care of her cats, so she can go watch her brother die.

If you know who I am talking about don't say a word to her, please, she won't appreciate it and I mean that this is private for her.

Sick kinky fetishes

I had to google this before I wrote this to see if I talked about it before, because I tend to repeat myself a lot and I did not want to do that.

Warning there is sex in here.

Kink.  What is kink, as it is a relative term.  Sex in the kitchen to some people is kinky, sex outside is kinky to some.  To a lot of people both of those are tame. BDSM to some people is normal and normal is not kinky. Where I fit on that spectrum of what is kinky is a bit difficult to place.  For instance I would love to be in a threesome (FFM) one woman with a strap-on fucking me while I fuck the second woman.  Is that kinky?  It is a fantasy that probably will never be for-filled, but is it kinky?  It really depends on where you fit on the spectrum.  I might go for a MFM threesome with me in the middle, that would be more exciting, but not something that I would be really interested in.  I am okay with bisexuality, I am just not attracted to most men.

What I do have is a Fetish, is that kinky?

What is a fetish?  Can you tell me that.  From what I can tell is most people think that people with a fetish are deviants and or sick unless they are all about Tits and Ass.  The man, and they are almost always men*, wants to lick feet and toes, the man wants the woman to be in leather, the man wants to be pissed on or shit on during sex.  Men with fetishes like this are sick deviants. 

Except they are not.  A fetish is not what it is in the public mind, it is a restraint due to a commitment to an irrational devotion.  *Sexually, fetishes are irrational devotions, psychological restraints, that without the devotion being present an orgasm will not happen.  Two things, first, because sex is about the orgasm, in many minds, it is most often associated with men, because in our male dominated society, the male orgasm is the point.  But how many women say that they don't have an orgasm from sex?  Yes, the man might not be skilled in sex and that might be the reason, but it is most likely that the woman has an undiagnosed fetish.  Secondly, in the above paragraph replace want with need. The person needs to lick feet and toes, the person needs to be in leather, the person wants to be pissed on or shit on during sex.  People  with fetishes like this are damaged psychologically, but not bad people necessarily.

There was a study that I heard of, I don't have the study so I can't cite it.  In this study the scientist male rats were kept in cages with an object and were introduced to female rats while the object was present and they began to associate sex with this object to the point that the male rat could not mate without the object being present and they could orgasm with the object being present alone.  They gave the rats a fetish.  Very similar to Pavlov's dogs who began to associate a bell ring to dinner being present so that at any bell ring would cause them to salivate.

Okay I know if you have gotten this far, you want to know what my fetish is.  Do I need leather, do I need to be pissed on, shit on, I know you want to know.  My fetish is I need to be in love with the person I am with.

How lame you say.  How debilitating I say.  Hey it would be great if I was currently in love with one special person who wanted to have sex with me, but I am not.  If I had a leather fetish, there are people I could pay to let me get off.  If I needed to be pissed on or shit on there are people who would do that for me.  There are a lot of postitutes who will dress up as a school girl if I had an age play fetish.  There are no prostitutes who can make me love them so I can get off.  I have learned that not everyone I am in love with loves me back and that none of those would have sex with me just because I love them.

Okay we will come back to me later; let's get back to women.  I have met several women that can't have an orgasm during sex.  Most often the root cause is sexual abuse as a child.  These women probably have a trust fetish, probably because I don't know, but they have told me that it takes them months to orgasm with their boyfriend.  They might have a love fetish too.  This would suggest that they did not actually love their boyfriend until months after they started sleeping with them.  Trust or love it does not matter for women.  It does not matter for women because having an orgasm during sex in our society is not necessary for a woman.  I do not believe this, but the women believe it, especially the ones with the fetish.

If a man does not have an orgasm when they have sex, the man has a problem, or worse the woman thinks it is her fault.  If a woman does not have an orgasm, that is normal.  If the woman wants the man to feel good, the woman can fake a nice loud orgasm, no questions asked.  If a man fakes an orgasm, he has to quickly hide the evidence a condom with no sperm.  Much easier to do with out condoms, but harder to fake a moneyshot.  

I have a love fetish.  I want to get to know the person deeply and I don't necessarily want to jump right into the sack.  Oh, I want sex, I think about it more closely to the stereotypical male than the actual man, but I want to really get to know the woman first.  When I go on a date with a woman, I would prefer to sit on a couch or sit in a scenic location and talk.  I want to know the person and intimately understand her.  I try to listen to her.  And then I slip into the friend zone.  I want to be in the friend zone because only friends can love each other.  But most relationships enter the friend zone long after having sex, most people fall in love after having sex.  The emotional bond caused by an endorphins generated by an orgasm, mutual or otherwise, leads to friendship and a relationship.

Do you understand why I say my fetish is debilitating?  I can't do relationships through that standard modern way.  I have to do it the old way, the strong way. Modern women used to the new way, the weak way, find that they don't want to have sex with a fiend.  They don't want to have sex with a friend, because friendships caused by sex ARE weak and prone to break up and heart break, because the friendship was forged by endorphins.  A woman who gains a friend without sex with a member of the opposite sex who is single is so rare that there is a fear that it would be ruined if sex enters the equation.

I guess next time I will have this argument to add to the debate.  A relationship that is based on an endorphin rush is weak and prone to breakup after the endorphins go away, but a relationship based in friendship is still a relationship based in friendship whether there are endorphins or not, but I can't see how a friendship with endorphin rushes can be bad.

I guess I wish that I did not have this horrible affliction called a love fetish; it is an anchronistic artifact from an age that is past, in an age where people leave it up to chance that the person that they fuck might be good match after the endorphins are gone.

To give is to …

Charity is an odd thing.  Some people do it and make a point of letting everyone know that they do it.  Some religions have it part of the duties that one needs to do, notably Islam.  Christianity, doesn't, but it is expected by their clergy, as all their needs are taken care of by the church and thus by the people.  

The Hindus have something completely different, sort of anyways, they buy good Karma to balance out their bad Karma by doing charity.  It is different from the others because not only do they not expect thanks, but they want to not be given thanks.  

Other people, non-Hindus expect thanks and gratitude.  Which actually in my ears sounds like they, the benefactor, are getting something from the transaction, social betterment and prestige.  I am better than the person I gave to.  Or, see what a good person I am, I just gave a large donation to the food bank!  In a way whenever anyone gives money or good to anyone this is the transaction that is occurring.

 

Back to the Hindus.  They recognize the fact that giving something to someone else gives some social currency to the giver.  A Hindu that wishes to balance their Karma, must give without recompense.  The giver gets an intangible token added to the scales of Karma that is weighed upon their death to let the gods determine if the person shall fall in caste or rise.  A simple, "Thank-you," invalidates the act of charity, the giver receiving recognition and not a spiratial token for the next life.

The Hindu way and my way are similar, when I give, I do not want your thanks and at the same time being a fervent Atheist, I do not believe in Karma or scales that weigh my goodness versus my good, but as a humanist I also don't believe that I am better than anyone else and I deserve no social elevation for giving.  Since I know some of the people that read this blog and even if I didn't if I used this blog to tell people if I did or did not, and if I did how much I gave, I would be breaking those ideals.

But, I am receiving some peer pressure, indirectly to be sure, from the skeptical podcasts that I listen to.  They are mostly American and the pressure comes from the fact that the American public views Atheists as having the morals equal or worse than a serial rapist.  The pressure is to broadcast that Atheists do care about their fellow human beings and do not need a reward/threat, to be moral people.

So, I do this for that reason alone, I don't want recognition, but I want people to know that atheists care for people other than themselves, nor for just the sweetness of baby flesh, that I give to charity on occasion.

The real quandary that I have is giving to charity and not letting anyone know that I do, nor letting anyone know how much I gave.  If I give to charity as a gift or as an anonymous donation and buy gifts for Christmas.  Actually I hate being thanked for Christmas or any type of gift so I might just do that and get it over that way

The year called paranoia

I thought it was time to write a review.  A review of the year.  A review of the little bit more than a year.  I took two days to write it and I was only done a little bit of it then I realized that too many people I know reed this blog and that is not normally a problem, but because the post involves people that THEY know I started to think that it was a bad idea all round.  

I do not think that the blog would leak to the wrong people, it is just…

It has been a year of reflection on my own thoughts and a year filled with others hate of me and others unthinking indiscretion, so I have started to get more than a little paranoid, therefore I feel that if I release the truth of the year past, it will be used against me.

I don't think anyone who regularly subscribes to my blog or reads it regularly, that I know, would knowingly do me harm, but I a can't be sure, therefore it may remain unwritten.

Do you understand?

P.S.  I think the NSA is reading my blog.  Five to ten minutes after I post, each post is viewed by someone with a Linux operating system from the U.S.A., I have noticed it over a year ago ….