Addictive Personality

Additive personality

AS is a little like OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, we do some things unconsciously obsessively.  And we have addictions.  Some good some bad.  People call them bad habits and areas of expertise.  I call them addictions.  Some addictions last weeks, months, years and longer.  Some of them are powerful and some of them are weak.  My father is addicted to golf and is devoted to my mother.  He likes to build things by himself, like small buildings and when he commissioned a house to be built, he was working with them every step of the way.  I think of this as his addiction, but maybe it is just he new the habits of construction workers in this area and wanted everything done correctly.  

My addictions, astronomy, learning about myself, RPGs old school type, not computer games, I am addicted to turn based computer games like civilization.  I am obsessed with sex.  Not just having sex, but how, and all the intricacies there in.  I don't rape people, I don't try to have sex with every body, I never hit on strangers, I don't even talk about sex all the time, but I am thinking about it all the time and it is never far from my thoughts.  I suspect that if I ever formed a loving relationship with one person, it would disappear.  I know that when I fall in love, I become stupid and foolish all-in-one and I do stupid things like sabotage my future and move to boonieville in boonieland just because of pretty smile and an empty promise.  I know that if someone took me in and cast a spell over my heart, I would be their willing slave, just like my father is to my mother.

The meat of the matter.  I am obsessed with love but addicted to sex.  AS people have a number of tells, to borrow from RPGs and poker.  Dysgraphia, the inability to get information from the brain out of the brain.  Hypersensitivities, do some normal things to me and I will react poorly, because they hurt me.  Don't tickle me, as a kid I hated being tickled I squirmed and a wiggled and people still kept on tickling me.  Other people do that too, but they laugh too.  It really hurt me.  Now it makes me jump, I sometimes squeak in surprise and if you continue to do it I will likely lash-out at you and cause you some pain too.  Well I used to, since learning about this behaviour, I stopped hurting people, but I still jump and sometimes squeak, but I tell people it is because it hurts.  I also hate loud noises, I will turn radios off especially music if it is discordant, I prefer silence, quiet music, talk radio most times.  I also prefer the dark, overcast days, rooms without lights.  Glaring light bothers me.  Hypo-sensitivities, the opposite of the other, I react to some stimuli less than how normal people react.  The big one for me is I get no pleasure from sex.  Nothing.  I am trying to figure this one out, if you are interested in trying help me on this one . . ..  Okay seriously, I am obsessed with sex but get nothing out of it.  I know that this is in my head, because if I am in love, it is beautiful, but love for me builds slowly and is not a casual thing.  It seems for most people, sex comes before love and love evolves from being close in this way or evolves from being close that comes from sex.  But for me sex brings anxiety, anxiety because although women can fake orgasms the lack of sperm is a dead give away for men.  If a hundred women sleep with a hundred different men they will all have experienced premature ejaculation, after five or less minutes, they will have all encountered men that can't get it up at all, but how many that can't cum at all?  Five minutes, ten, fifteen, ninety . . . three hours.  I have desire, I have stamina, I have technique, I have equipment, I experiment, but if I am not in love with you, nothing is going to happen.  So do you see it as an addition or an obsession or is it just fucked up, or do just not believe it at all.