I am always looking for other AS people. I see them everywhere, but that is because you can see similarities in everything that exists, if you look hard enough or far enough away.
The problem is that by looking you don't see the differences, and you don't see what is happening around you because you are just looking for one thing. You can look for anything in any one anywhere and you can find what you are looking for, but in that case have you really found what you ARE looking for?
A teachers job is to teach to people. A teacher is supposed to find out why the student cannot learn what they are being taught. The teacher then has to figure out who is at fault, the student for not learning or the teacher for not teaching it to the student so they can learn. Teachers often assume the former. They look for faults in the student and because they are looking they find those faults.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. What happens then is the student is sent out for testing and the testers determine how best to teach that child, then it is up to that teacher to teach in that manner. They key is, the teacher finds a problem and someone else figures what the solution is.
I can look for people with AS, but although I will find people that fit the description, I can never actually diagnose, because I do not have the expertise to see the whole person, the whole issue, every aspect and all it's possibilities.
I should never look for people with AS.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
Planets II
Okay, so the planets are basically formed the is Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. Then there is the other stuff; there was at this time a lot proto-planets, asteroids and comets, all in the spaces between the planets, most noticeably between Mars and Jupiter. Each of the planets, as they swept through their orbits, gathered some of them and knocked others out of the area. Planets with larger masses had larger effects than those with less mass. Jupiter, being the closest gas giant to the Sun, corralled numerous proto-planets and planetary scraps between its orbit and Mars. Neptune, being the last large mass planet from the Sun, corralled numerous proto-planets and comets on the outside of it's orbit. All the other planets also swept clean their orbits knocking some in or out of the solar system, or sent the debris into its own mass. This time was known as The Period of Intense Bombardment. Planets without atmospheres still bear the scars from this time. There was one other effect of the scattering, many of the planets captured proto-planets and debris as moons. Mars has two moons which are clearly asteroids and all of the gas giants have similar objects. The gas giants have numerous larger bodies about the size of our moon that are clearly proto-planets. And then there is our moon.
Our moon is a special case. We did not as much capture it as much as survive it. In 1969, people landed on the moon and gathered up some of the rocks and brought them back to Earth for analysis and what they discovered was very interesting. The composition of the materials was very similar to rock from this planet, identical in fact. Calculations of the mass of the Moon we knew that it had a almost no iron core. The question was, how did it form and where did it come from. The consensus of scientist's belief is that when much of the Earth was molten and only a skim of crust had formed, a secondary large planetoid hit the Earth. The collision hit with a lot of energy, but both bodies were mostly molten. The core of the planetoid joined our own, being mostly iron nickel, and its crust and our crust mixed together too, but the energy of the impact caused about a seventh of the combined mass to be knocked off the other side. By luck, and only luck the knocked off matter did not have sufficient energy to escape the gravity of the Earth but did have enough energy to make a stable orbit.
There were other large impacts, the face on the Moon is the result of major impacts after the Moon's crust had formed and Mercury had a giant impact that was so powerful that the shock waves from the impact through up mountains where the shockwaves converged. There must have been a massive impact on Venus, as the rotation is so slow and retrograde at that, something must have slowed it down. Most certainly the gas giants had massive impacts, but their size and composition prevents us from seeing any impact, but something must have pushed Uranus over on its side.
Comets impacted every planet as well. The water that came from these comets did different things on different planets. On Mercury, the water evaporated and was stripped from the planet. On Mars, the water existed for a time and then seems to have disappeared, probably froze below the surface after the planet ceased to be tectonically active, hundreds of millions of years ago. The effect of the addition of water to Venus and Earth had different effects at different times, because the Sun has changed over time.
About five billion years ago, the Sun was smaller and less intense, it was seventy percent of today's own size. Venus is seventy percent of the distance of Earth's orbit from the Sun. So, the water that fell on Venus, after the planet formed a surface, was probably liquid. As the Sun grew more intense and larger the water vaporized and then things got interesting. The hydrogen was stripped off the water and the oxygen combined with carbon making carbon dioxide and a very thick heavy atmosphere.
When the water came to the Earth, at first it remained as ice and later as the Sun grew hotter, it remained ice. It was only as tectonic processes began and some carbon dioxide was released and the ice melted. But it has always been tenuous for our planet, many times ice has threatened to overwhelm the planet, and not just in the past million years, but throughout its history.
Life in the solar system. We have discovered life on the earth in the hottest geysers, the deepest mines, buried deep in the rocks in fossil water, deep in the oceans beside volcanic vents, in short everywhere and in places we thought it should not exist. So we think the rule for life is, if it is possible to exist it will. It might exist on Mars, and it might exist on some other moons of Jupiter and Saturn.
Our moon is a special case. We did not as much capture it as much as survive it. In 1969, people landed on the moon and gathered up some of the rocks and brought them back to Earth for analysis and what they discovered was very interesting. The composition of the materials was very similar to rock from this planet, identical in fact. Calculations of the mass of the Moon we knew that it had a almost no iron core. The question was, how did it form and where did it come from. The consensus of scientist's belief is that when much of the Earth was molten and only a skim of crust had formed, a secondary large planetoid hit the Earth. The collision hit with a lot of energy, but both bodies were mostly molten. The core of the planetoid joined our own, being mostly iron nickel, and its crust and our crust mixed together too, but the energy of the impact caused about a seventh of the combined mass to be knocked off the other side. By luck, and only luck the knocked off matter did not have sufficient energy to escape the gravity of the Earth but did have enough energy to make a stable orbit.
There were other large impacts, the face on the Moon is the result of major impacts after the Moon's crust had formed and Mercury had a giant impact that was so powerful that the shock waves from the impact through up mountains where the shockwaves converged. There must have been a massive impact on Venus, as the rotation is so slow and retrograde at that, something must have slowed it down. Most certainly the gas giants had massive impacts, but their size and composition prevents us from seeing any impact, but something must have pushed Uranus over on its side.
Comets impacted every planet as well. The water that came from these comets did different things on different planets. On Mercury, the water evaporated and was stripped from the planet. On Mars, the water existed for a time and then seems to have disappeared, probably froze below the surface after the planet ceased to be tectonically active, hundreds of millions of years ago. The effect of the addition of water to Venus and Earth had different effects at different times, because the Sun has changed over time.
About five billion years ago, the Sun was smaller and less intense, it was seventy percent of today's own size. Venus is seventy percent of the distance of Earth's orbit from the Sun. So, the water that fell on Venus, after the planet formed a surface, was probably liquid. As the Sun grew more intense and larger the water vaporized and then things got interesting. The hydrogen was stripped off the water and the oxygen combined with carbon making carbon dioxide and a very thick heavy atmosphere.
When the water came to the Earth, at first it remained as ice and later as the Sun grew hotter, it remained ice. It was only as tectonic processes began and some carbon dioxide was released and the ice melted. But it has always been tenuous for our planet, many times ice has threatened to overwhelm the planet, and not just in the past million years, but throughout its history.
Life in the solar system. We have discovered life on the earth in the hottest geysers, the deepest mines, buried deep in the rocks in fossil water, deep in the oceans beside volcanic vents, in short everywhere and in places we thought it should not exist. So we think the rule for life is, if it is possible to exist it will. It might exist on Mars, and it might exist on some other moons of Jupiter and Saturn.
Friday, 12 August 2011
IQ vs EQ
IQ to some people is the most important way of separating competent people from incompetent people. This is a fallacy. IQ was though to be immutable, what ever your score is is what it will always be. This is false. I have improved my IQ, a friend life was scarred by one IQ score and saved a few years later by a different IQ. IQ is affected by a number of different things: your culture, what you read, the country you live in and other things. IQ does not mean you are an overall genius, IQ only measures math skills, language skills and spatial skills. It does not measure musical skill, nature skills, physical skills like knowing how to do things, it does not measure how you work with others or how you work on your own. True genius comes from excellence in all areas and IQ scores do not measure this.
EQ is hard to measure. It embodies your ability to communicate with others and your ability to deal with life. Your ability to relate to others. It is your ability survive amongst others. It is a measure of your emotional ability, Emotional Quotient, EQ.
I would say that having a high IQ is only good if you can navigate through society to gain the benefits. Having a high EQ means that whatever your IQ, you can navigate the world to the maximum of your ability.
AS and all Autistic Spectrum Disorders, suffer from low EQ. AS people have moderate to high IQ. It is the awareness, even if it is unconscious, that their EQ is deficient, that gives them stress and depression. Those, like me who are exceptionally intelligent and introverted, clue into this fact much earlier. I know that I will never get married, that having children is extremely unlikely, that getting through an interview for a serious job is an uphill battle. If you have not had a serious job interview, let me tell you, it is not you and the boss anymore, it is you the recruiter, the boss, and the person that you will be working for directly, all three. I am a teacher, I have the qualifications, I think, I know I will be an excellent teacher, but I have to get through an interview with three principals before that will ever happen. You need a normal to high EQ to do that. My EQ, using IQ as a model, is about 40-50, making me an idiot in that fashion. I have the social confidence of a 16-20 year old. I am witty when I am one on one, I can dish it out better than most but put me in a situation that is alien, with three people that i don't know well, watch me fold. It is not just folding, it is foot in mouth disease. I say the wrong things at the wrong time. People look at me, they see my as a competent individual, but then I say or do something that just does not fit and they are flabbergasted.
It is not that I really understand it either. There are things that really confuse me about language, some basic idioms like "next weekend". I have to ask is that this weekend coming up or the one after it? I am Mr. Literal. "Rainchecks" means: I can't do it now but we will do it later, but I am convinced that it does not mean that at all, it really means: never again, you missed out. If I had a choice I would suffer a one for one exchange IQ for EQ, with no hesitation. Forty points for forty points will make me average and happy, I think.
EQ is hard to measure. It embodies your ability to communicate with others and your ability to deal with life. Your ability to relate to others. It is your ability survive amongst others. It is a measure of your emotional ability, Emotional Quotient, EQ.
I would say that having a high IQ is only good if you can navigate through society to gain the benefits. Having a high EQ means that whatever your IQ, you can navigate the world to the maximum of your ability.
AS and all Autistic Spectrum Disorders, suffer from low EQ. AS people have moderate to high IQ. It is the awareness, even if it is unconscious, that their EQ is deficient, that gives them stress and depression. Those, like me who are exceptionally intelligent and introverted, clue into this fact much earlier. I know that I will never get married, that having children is extremely unlikely, that getting through an interview for a serious job is an uphill battle. If you have not had a serious job interview, let me tell you, it is not you and the boss anymore, it is you the recruiter, the boss, and the person that you will be working for directly, all three. I am a teacher, I have the qualifications, I think, I know I will be an excellent teacher, but I have to get through an interview with three principals before that will ever happen. You need a normal to high EQ to do that. My EQ, using IQ as a model, is about 40-50, making me an idiot in that fashion. I have the social confidence of a 16-20 year old. I am witty when I am one on one, I can dish it out better than most but put me in a situation that is alien, with three people that i don't know well, watch me fold. It is not just folding, it is foot in mouth disease. I say the wrong things at the wrong time. People look at me, they see my as a competent individual, but then I say or do something that just does not fit and they are flabbergasted.
It is not that I really understand it either. There are things that really confuse me about language, some basic idioms like "next weekend". I have to ask is that this weekend coming up or the one after it? I am Mr. Literal. "Rainchecks" means: I can't do it now but we will do it later, but I am convinced that it does not mean that at all, it really means: never again, you missed out. If I had a choice I would suffer a one for one exchange IQ for EQ, with no hesitation. Forty points for forty points will make me average and happy, I think.
Another interest, green power
Wind, great, solar excellent, what else is there?
Geothermal.
The earth is warm, most of it is very hot and it is constant. Sure we derive most of the ambient warmth from the sun, even in the winter time, but under the surface, it is warm.
Current coal and nuclear power generation requires a lot of water. There is water that turns to steam in the boiler or next to the fuel rods, the steam then heats up water that also turns to steam and turns the turbines. Then the is more water that cools the hot water down and this water is dumped into a lake or river raiseing the temperature in that area. This is how it is done, and has been done for decades. Hydro the force of the water turns a turbine and generates power, simple; the energy comes from the water falling and generating the electricity, very clean and does not heat up the surrounding area, but securing the water is often disastrous for the ecosystem.
So the answer is geothermal, but people argue that it is expensive and not every location is a feasible location. They say that you need to be in Iceland to make it feasible. This is because they have no imagination and they are profiting from the current system. I wrote the following in February:
Supercritical power generation currently uses water, which is super critical at 647K (705F) and 22MPa (3212 psi) to generate electricity. Carbon dioxide is supercritical at 304K and 7.4MPa, as an added bonus it is also denser than supercritical water too.
I began to think about this because someone was talking on the radio about one of the cheap solutions for the energy crisis on the horizon was geothermal energy. They stated that it was necessary to drill a hole into the earth to a depth where the isothermic temperature was 400C and then a power plant would be possible. I checked it out on the net and found stats on the depths oil companies drill to find oil and they drill fairly regularly to depths of more than 8km to find oil and the cost to drill such a hole was about a million dollars. Which seemed like cheap energy considering the cost of moving coal, oil and even natural gas, plus building a boiler system.
Why are there not hundreds of local geothermal power plants then? The simple answer is that the temperature gradient of the earth is about 25-30C per kilometer, meaning drilling holes down to 16km would be necessary. Enter supercritical CO2, lower temperature, holes drilled only about a kilometer, given a average near surface isothermal temperature of around 15C.
So where are the hundreds of geothermal power plants using super critical CO2? What am I missing?
Okay long winded perhaps. The idea is that by using supercritical CO2, under pressure and heated in a bath of warm water from a kilometer below the surface. A kilometer seems like a huge distance for a drill, but most oil drilling is much deeper than even two kilometers.
Why supercritical fluids? Supercritical fluids move like gases with the density of the liquid. You can't use a standard turbine either that is another expense, but the turbine for supercritical gases is more efficient than current turbines. The gases turn the turbine in a similar way that they are in a normal turbine, pressure differences. The real difference is that the fluid in the case of supercritical CO2, only has to be raised to 30 degrees celcius or a bit more, and pressurized to seven or eight times the current pressure, something easy to do in a closed system. By way of example, my bicycle tires are pressurized to about eight times current pressure.
I see a time where every town generates it's own power at a local power station, which can be located underground. Initially I see retrofits on coal generating power stations, better turbines lower burning temperatures less coal burned, more power generated, less pollution generated. Then drill the holes and switch over completely knock over those smokestakes.
Additionally, supercritical CO2, would require CO2. If taken from the air it will reduce the concentrations of that greenhouse gas, do it for every one of the thousands of coal power plants, gas and oil too and that will have a significant effect on the whole world.
I figure that it will cost a lot of money the cost of the power plant with the new turbines, millions of dollars, buildings and tech, more millions of dollars, several holes one or two kilometers into the earth, a million dollars or so. So we would be talking tens of millions of dollars. Compare that to other power plants that cost tens of billions of dollars, the thirty year supply of fossil fuels, the disposal of the ash, the CO2, the environment.
Sounds cheap. I doubt anything will ever happen though.
Geothermal.
The earth is warm, most of it is very hot and it is constant. Sure we derive most of the ambient warmth from the sun, even in the winter time, but under the surface, it is warm.
Current coal and nuclear power generation requires a lot of water. There is water that turns to steam in the boiler or next to the fuel rods, the steam then heats up water that also turns to steam and turns the turbines. Then the is more water that cools the hot water down and this water is dumped into a lake or river raiseing the temperature in that area. This is how it is done, and has been done for decades. Hydro the force of the water turns a turbine and generates power, simple; the energy comes from the water falling and generating the electricity, very clean and does not heat up the surrounding area, but securing the water is often disastrous for the ecosystem.
So the answer is geothermal, but people argue that it is expensive and not every location is a feasible location. They say that you need to be in Iceland to make it feasible. This is because they have no imagination and they are profiting from the current system. I wrote the following in February:
Supercritical power generation currently uses water, which is super critical at 647K (705F) and 22MPa (3212 psi) to generate electricity. Carbon dioxide is supercritical at 304K and 7.4MPa, as an added bonus it is also denser than supercritical water too.
I began to think about this because someone was talking on the radio about one of the cheap solutions for the energy crisis on the horizon was geothermal energy. They stated that it was necessary to drill a hole into the earth to a depth where the isothermic temperature was 400C and then a power plant would be possible. I checked it out on the net and found stats on the depths oil companies drill to find oil and they drill fairly regularly to depths of more than 8km to find oil and the cost to drill such a hole was about a million dollars. Which seemed like cheap energy considering the cost of moving coal, oil and even natural gas, plus building a boiler system.
Why are there not hundreds of local geothermal power plants then? The simple answer is that the temperature gradient of the earth is about 25-30C per kilometer, meaning drilling holes down to 16km would be necessary. Enter supercritical CO2, lower temperature, holes drilled only about a kilometer, given a average near surface isothermal temperature of around 15C.
So where are the hundreds of geothermal power plants using super critical CO2? What am I missing?
Okay long winded perhaps. The idea is that by using supercritical CO2, under pressure and heated in a bath of warm water from a kilometer below the surface. A kilometer seems like a huge distance for a drill, but most oil drilling is much deeper than even two kilometers.
Why supercritical fluids? Supercritical fluids move like gases with the density of the liquid. You can't use a standard turbine either that is another expense, but the turbine for supercritical gases is more efficient than current turbines. The gases turn the turbine in a similar way that they are in a normal turbine, pressure differences. The real difference is that the fluid in the case of supercritical CO2, only has to be raised to 30 degrees celcius or a bit more, and pressurized to seven or eight times the current pressure, something easy to do in a closed system. By way of example, my bicycle tires are pressurized to about eight times current pressure.
I see a time where every town generates it's own power at a local power station, which can be located underground. Initially I see retrofits on coal generating power stations, better turbines lower burning temperatures less coal burned, more power generated, less pollution generated. Then drill the holes and switch over completely knock over those smokestakes.
Additionally, supercritical CO2, would require CO2. If taken from the air it will reduce the concentrations of that greenhouse gas, do it for every one of the thousands of coal power plants, gas and oil too and that will have a significant effect on the whole world.
I figure that it will cost a lot of money the cost of the power plant with the new turbines, millions of dollars, buildings and tech, more millions of dollars, several holes one or two kilometers into the earth, a million dollars or so. So we would be talking tens of millions of dollars. Compare that to other power plants that cost tens of billions of dollars, the thirty year supply of fossil fuels, the disposal of the ash, the CO2, the environment.
Sounds cheap. I doubt anything will ever happen though.
Thursday, 11 August 2011
The Worst Thing I Have EVER Done
To other people that is. I have done many horrible things to myself.
Not including girlfriends that I have dumped, some were horrible but that is so standard an ill that it does not bare mentioning. No this is not your standard bad thing, but it is not rape. I abhor rape. I mean if there is a cute waitress at the local high class or low class restaurant I will not ask her for her phone number because I would not want to make her feel uncomfortable and awkward as she says no or thinks up a good 555 number to give me. I won't hit on customers at work, I won't hit on strangers I think are cute. There is a reason why I am still single. Rape. I will never rape anyone no matter how desperate I get, and I have been and I am very desperate. But, I heard that the statistic on rape is very troubling. Two thirds of all women have been sexually assaulted. That is a very impressive number, scary. I could not believe it so I started asking my friends and I asked people for only a little while and then I stopped. I really did not want to know anymore. As it stands the stat has been independently verified and I WILL never add to this number.
I did hit a woman once. I was very very angry and I realized what I was doing as I started to do it, but I was very angry. As soon as I realized that I was going to hit her I tried to stop; I failed, but I did manage to slow to the point that it was a very light slap. But that is not the point, violence is not about the damage you cause but fear that it generates; when I am angry I am scary as only a big muscular three hundred pound person can be. That was not the worst thing I have ever done. That was an example of the damage that I cause to myself.
I was arrested once. I was charged with mischief. Sounds mild, but it isn't. Mischief is a criminal offense. What did I do, I got angry of course. Earlier I had told a co-worker that I loved her. She was single I was single, we were great friends. We talked on the phone for at least there hours a night, I was her girlfriend and she did not want that to change. So I was frustrated I got off the bus and waited for the light to change and walked with the signal and after I had crossed half way, a car speeds to a stop so that if I had been a bit faster, it would have landed on his windshield. Angry, because this was not the first near hit at this intersection, I tell the driver to move back, as his vehicle was covering the crosswalk. He gives me the finger and his friends laugh, so I walk across his car. I got charged. His friends told the police that he stopped well behind the line and I stomped on their car. Three against one, and there were foot prints half a dozen days in court before I can face my accuser, who actually did not show, I offer to pay the damages $1300, of which I am sure none were done, and the judge dismisses the case. I was at the time doing an average of a thousand hours of volunteer work a year at the time. Again I hurt myself there.
Suicide, again myself, I did not succeed.
The most terrible thing that I have done is care too much. Hahaha that is silly. Let me explain. Caring is very dangerous. Caring can make you do things that you would not have done otherwise. Caring can lead you down the road of best intentions, it can lead you to Hell.
I am an expert in many things, I am an expert for many reasons, mostly books and listening to the radio and other people. I am an expert on depression because I have been depressed most of my life. I am right now as depressed as I have ever been depressed and that is why I am willing to parade my faults out for all to see. I worked in the school system, kids are kids and teachers and adults think the lives of children to be worry and depression free. I remember my childhood, so I know the truth, my curse is that I cannot edit my memory of all the bad and just keep the good; I remember the mediocre too.
There are warning signs that children are depressed, pay attention to the depressed children starting as soon as you see them particularly grade seven and older; they are the ones that kill themselves. Here are the warning signs: drinking alcohol, sex, multiple body modifications, non cultural piercings and tattoos and lastly hair colour changes. These are called collectively dangerous behaviors. In themselves none of them are scary, really, but before age 13? If you detect one, the others are more likely to be present. And if more than one is present, depression is likely. Depression is not something they talk about in the schools, it is not something that teachers know a lot about, but there are simple stages that can be taught that WILL save lives.
I met this girl when she was twelve, she was not often associating with people her own age and she was spending her lunches alone. She had dyed her hair black and I just said to myself, watch her. I watched her. This is good, it means that you can identify problems before they can become problems and head them off. It is important that you tell someone too, so that you can have more objective people watching them too. I told her homeroom teacher my suspicions. He thought I was going to talk to him about her low cut shirts that she was always wearing, I had not noticed, half the teachers did the same and many of the students and all their role models in society, so who cares right. So I told him that I thought she was depressed. He likely dismissed my concerns.
I had previously been in contact with a former student from a different school who had contacted me and was suicidal, I contacted her former teacher, my friend and I was told to maintain contact while they moved through the system to try to find her help. The success that I had, made me think that I could do the same here. So I tried again. We became school friends, age difference apparent, but nothing bad. Smiles, pleasantries, polite conversation nothing deep. A year and a half later I had learned a lot about her, she was fourteen now and it was the last day of school and she was headed to another school, high school and she realized that she was never going to see me again. I had learned a lot about her, dyed hair, sneaking alcohol and on that last week she revealed the tongue piercing she had just got. There was a chance meeting on the streets where she hugged me, I did not hug back, she had surprised me, but I would not have hugged her in any case. And on this last day she asked for my email address. I declined. You don't do that sort of thing. She persisted telling me that her other teachers had written their addresses on the board. I wanted to keep her safe too. And so goes the slow decent into Hell.
Two people with few friends start talking, albeit on MSN three hours a day in a very boring summer can become quite close, especially when there is no reminder of how old people are. And I perpetually fall for my friends. It should. Be noted that the laws at this time were quite clear. Having sex with a fourteen year old was okay. Unless you had power over her, like a teacher or a police officer, I was not a teacher then. I was never her teacher in any case. If I had wanted to, I could have. She was very willing and I loved her. I told myself that she was too young and that if she still wanted me when she was older I would. I wanted her, but I wanted to be loved too and did not think it was right. I knew that when she was older she would not love me, that she would love other people instead.
And it happened, she will never love me again, and I still love her. I will always love her. But what i did was the worst thing I have ever done to someone. I told her that I thought she was depressed. It had never occurred to her. Did she become depressed because I suggested it to her, or was she depressed to begin with, did she become self destructive because I pointed it out or because she was. Did she love me because I loved her or because she would have anyways. In many ways I messed up her life. It was with the intention of making her life better. A former girlfriend called the police on me, and they dragged her into the police station and interrogated her. And she would not go near me again for fear that I would go to jail. I was the worst thing in her life. I am sure that at one point she was suicidal, I am sure I talked her down. I told her the secret of suicide, the one they should teach in schools and i am sure that helped her. But I still feel that I was an evil person and I hate myself for it.
The difference between a pedophile and a regular person is that a pedophile can not stop themselves. I did stop myself. So I am not one of those, but I wish I were because then I would know for sure I was a bad person. And now I just think I am. As I say there is no white in this world, there is no black; everything is gray.
I want to die. I want to die more than a want to live.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Guess my mood?
Clouds
Dark clouds
Fluffy dark clouds
Painted fluffy dark clouds
Brightly painted fluffy dark clouds
Brightly painted wispy, fluffy, dark clouds
Brightly painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain clouds
Brightly painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain filled clouds
Brightly painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain filled clouds at sunset
Brightly red painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain filled clouds at sunset
Bright blood red painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain filled clouds at sunset.
Bright blood red painted wispy dark rain filled clouds at sunset
Bright blood red painted dark rain filled clouds at sunset
Bright blood red, dark rain filled clouds at sunset
Dark, blood red, rain filled clouds at sunset
Blood red, rain filled clouds at sunset
Red, blood filled clouds at sunset
Blood filled clouds at sunset
Bloody clouds at sunset
Blood at sunset
Blood
Dark clouds
Fluffy dark clouds
Painted fluffy dark clouds
Brightly painted fluffy dark clouds
Brightly painted wispy, fluffy, dark clouds
Brightly painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain clouds
Brightly painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain filled clouds
Brightly painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain filled clouds at sunset
Brightly red painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain filled clouds at sunset
Bright blood red painted wispy, fluffy, dark, rain filled clouds at sunset.
Bright blood red painted wispy dark rain filled clouds at sunset
Bright blood red painted dark rain filled clouds at sunset
Bright blood red, dark rain filled clouds at sunset
Dark, blood red, rain filled clouds at sunset
Blood red, rain filled clouds at sunset
Red, blood filled clouds at sunset
Blood filled clouds at sunset
Bloody clouds at sunset
Blood at sunset
Blood
Monday, 8 August 2011
Starry err
Mistakes were made; made by me. Fusion in stars near the end of their life fuse three Helium atoms together making other more complex atoms like beryllium, oxygen and carbon, this is called a triple alpha reaction. The fusion of Hydrogen is called hydrogen fusion . . . Duh on my part. I learned some interesting facts too. Hydrogen fusion is very efficient, 0.7% of the mass of four hydrogen is lost to create one helium. This lost mass is converted directly into energy via, E=MC2. One gram of hydrogen fused together makes 0.993 grams of helium and enough energy to move 64 tones up one kilometer. That would be enough power to put a small sized satellite into Earth orbit . . . So cool!
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Lies
You tell yourself,
It is not that's bad.
Others are feeling worse,
Right now as I speak.
But all I can think about is death,
I just can't deal with it anymore.
I am tired of it all,
It is not worth it.
But it keeps piling on,
On and on and on.
All I can think about is where I went wrong,
I went wrong with breathing.
There is nothing left in this world for me,
Anything that had meaning is gone.
I have no compelling reason to be here,
Death is preferable.
I just don't care anymore.
It is not that's bad.
Others are feeling worse,
Right now as I speak.
But all I can think about is death,
I just can't deal with it anymore.
I am tired of it all,
It is not worth it.
But it keeps piling on,
On and on and on.
All I can think about is where I went wrong,
I went wrong with breathing.
There is nothing left in this world for me,
Anything that had meaning is gone.
I have no compelling reason to be here,
Death is preferable.
I just don't care anymore.
Addictive Personality
Additive personality
AS is a little like OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, we do some things unconsciously obsessively. And we have addictions. Some good some bad. People call them bad habits and areas of expertise. I call them addictions. Some addictions last weeks, months, years and longer. Some of them are powerful and some of them are weak. My father is addicted to golf and is devoted to my mother. He likes to build things by himself, like small buildings and when he commissioned a house to be built, he was working with them every step of the way. I think of this as his addiction, but maybe it is just he new the habits of construction workers in this area and wanted everything done correctly.
My addictions, astronomy, learning about myself, RPGs old school type, not computer games, I am addicted to turn based computer games like civilization. I am obsessed with sex. Not just having sex, but how, and all the intricacies there in. I don't rape people, I don't try to have sex with every body, I never hit on strangers, I don't even talk about sex all the time, but I am thinking about it all the time and it is never far from my thoughts. I suspect that if I ever formed a loving relationship with one person, it would disappear. I know that when I fall in love, I become stupid and foolish all-in-one and I do stupid things like sabotage my future and move to boonieville in boonieland just because of pretty smile and an empty promise. I know that if someone took me in and cast a spell over my heart, I would be their willing slave, just like my father is to my mother.
The meat of the matter. I am obsessed with love but addicted to sex. AS people have a number of tells, to borrow from RPGs and poker. Dysgraphia, the inability to get information from the brain out of the brain. Hypersensitivities, do some normal things to me and I will react poorly, because they hurt me. Don't tickle me, as a kid I hated being tickled I squirmed and a wiggled and people still kept on tickling me. Other people do that too, but they laugh too. It really hurt me. Now it makes me jump, I sometimes squeak in surprise and if you continue to do it I will likely lash-out at you and cause you some pain too. Well I used to, since learning about this behaviour, I stopped hurting people, but I still jump and sometimes squeak, but I tell people it is because it hurts. I also hate loud noises, I will turn radios off especially music if it is discordant, I prefer silence, quiet music, talk radio most times. I also prefer the dark, overcast days, rooms without lights. Glaring light bothers me. Hypo-sensitivities, the opposite of the other, I react to some stimuli less than how normal people react. The big one for me is I get no pleasure from sex. Nothing. I am trying to figure this one out, if you are interested in trying help me on this one . . .. Okay seriously, I am obsessed with sex but get nothing out of it. I know that this is in my head, because if I am in love, it is beautiful, but love for me builds slowly and is not a casual thing. It seems for most people, sex comes before love and love evolves from being close in this way or evolves from being close that comes from sex. But for me sex brings anxiety, anxiety because although women can fake orgasms the lack of sperm is a dead give away for men. If a hundred women sleep with a hundred different men they will all have experienced premature ejaculation, after five or less minutes, they will have all encountered men that can't get it up at all, but how many that can't cum at all? Five minutes, ten, fifteen, ninety . . . three hours. I have desire, I have stamina, I have technique, I have equipment, I experiment, but if I am not in love with you, nothing is going to happen. So do you see it as an addition or an obsession or is it just fucked up, or do just not believe it at all.
AS is a little like OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, we do some things unconsciously obsessively. And we have addictions. Some good some bad. People call them bad habits and areas of expertise. I call them addictions. Some addictions last weeks, months, years and longer. Some of them are powerful and some of them are weak. My father is addicted to golf and is devoted to my mother. He likes to build things by himself, like small buildings and when he commissioned a house to be built, he was working with them every step of the way. I think of this as his addiction, but maybe it is just he new the habits of construction workers in this area and wanted everything done correctly.
My addictions, astronomy, learning about myself, RPGs old school type, not computer games, I am addicted to turn based computer games like civilization. I am obsessed with sex. Not just having sex, but how, and all the intricacies there in. I don't rape people, I don't try to have sex with every body, I never hit on strangers, I don't even talk about sex all the time, but I am thinking about it all the time and it is never far from my thoughts. I suspect that if I ever formed a loving relationship with one person, it would disappear. I know that when I fall in love, I become stupid and foolish all-in-one and I do stupid things like sabotage my future and move to boonieville in boonieland just because of pretty smile and an empty promise. I know that if someone took me in and cast a spell over my heart, I would be their willing slave, just like my father is to my mother.
The meat of the matter. I am obsessed with love but addicted to sex. AS people have a number of tells, to borrow from RPGs and poker. Dysgraphia, the inability to get information from the brain out of the brain. Hypersensitivities, do some normal things to me and I will react poorly, because they hurt me. Don't tickle me, as a kid I hated being tickled I squirmed and a wiggled and people still kept on tickling me. Other people do that too, but they laugh too. It really hurt me. Now it makes me jump, I sometimes squeak in surprise and if you continue to do it I will likely lash-out at you and cause you some pain too. Well I used to, since learning about this behaviour, I stopped hurting people, but I still jump and sometimes squeak, but I tell people it is because it hurts. I also hate loud noises, I will turn radios off especially music if it is discordant, I prefer silence, quiet music, talk radio most times. I also prefer the dark, overcast days, rooms without lights. Glaring light bothers me. Hypo-sensitivities, the opposite of the other, I react to some stimuli less than how normal people react. The big one for me is I get no pleasure from sex. Nothing. I am trying to figure this one out, if you are interested in trying help me on this one . . .. Okay seriously, I am obsessed with sex but get nothing out of it. I know that this is in my head, because if I am in love, it is beautiful, but love for me builds slowly and is not a casual thing. It seems for most people, sex comes before love and love evolves from being close in this way or evolves from being close that comes from sex. But for me sex brings anxiety, anxiety because although women can fake orgasms the lack of sperm is a dead give away for men. If a hundred women sleep with a hundred different men they will all have experienced premature ejaculation, after five or less minutes, they will have all encountered men that can't get it up at all, but how many that can't cum at all? Five minutes, ten, fifteen, ninety . . . three hours. I have desire, I have stamina, I have technique, I have equipment, I experiment, but if I am not in love with you, nothing is going to happen. So do you see it as an addition or an obsession or is it just fucked up, or do just not believe it at all.
Planets
There are many difficult things to conceptualizer about the formation of planets. The first thing is trying to imagine something the size of the solar system, the Earth is big, Jupiter is huge and the Sun is ginormous. And then there are the distances the Earth is about one hundred fifty million kilometers from the Sun and Eris is between eighty and one hundred fifty times that away from the Sun. The best way to imagine it is to dumb every thing down. Imagine a top the size of a pancake, the center is thicker and the edges are thinner, paper thin. The sun is in the middle and the earth is just inside the thick part of the pancake. Wait the solar system does not look like a pancake, right? True, but in the beginning it did, except the pancake was made up of all the matter that was going to be the solar system.
Okay, that is the way solar systems looked just before they created planets, before that they were balls of matter that were gravitationally attracted to the center, accelerating as they fell towards the center, causing the ball to spin, and the spin caused the pancake shape. The stuff spinning faster near the outside and the slower spinning stuff close to the inside. If it was not spinning fast enough it became part of the star and the faster stuff was flung off the disk entirely.
Gravity is a force, the weakest force, of attraction. The more matter present the greater the force. Most of the mass of the solar system is in the Sun, but because of the rest of the mass of the disk, the disk is getting thinner, thanks to gravity. Matter as it is compressed together heats up, in the center it is fifteen trillion degrees celsius, but in the disk it was much cooler at a few thousand. The next question is what state was this matter in, and that is the most critical question and concept for planet creation.
There are four states of matter, solid, liquid, gas, and plasma. Super heated gasses change into a different state called plasma, but that is not important here. One must have an atmosphere for there to be a liquid, all liquids boil away into gas in space, so they are not important here. So we are left with gas and solids and since everything is so hot, everything is gas. Thinking about gaseous iron blows my mind! The gasses start to cool down. The first elements that solidify are stuff like calcium and much later metals like iron and nickel. When the first solids are formed in the planetary disk, they are very diffuse, atoms of matter separated by kilometers of space and gas. Some atoms are closer together, some are farther apart, the closer ones find each other and stick together to form clumps of matter. The first parts of the solar system to form solids were the edges, but there was so little matter out there that clumps took the longest to form, towards the hotter center, there was more matter and so clumps formed faster; the process taking thousands to hundreds of thousands of years. Then iron solidified and there was more iron than calcium in our solar system, so the process began to accelerate. Clumps of matter ran into other clumps of matter and these clumps accreted more matter. The closer to the center of the system, the more mater the was to form clumps, so the bigger the clumps began to become. Soon there were clumps of matter large enough to have a gravitational fields large enough to affect other clumps of matter,ruses clumps began to grow faster.
Sometime during this rush of activity to create planets something marvelous happened, the ignition of the Sun. The densest and hottest part of the solar system is at the center, the Sun. When the nuclear fission occurred, the energy began to press outward on the matter in the star. The matter pushed back, or rather the gravity pulled back, resisting the push outwards of the nuclear reaction. The energy made its way slowly to the edge and when it did it pushed outwards with force. We call this force the solar wind. Like wind it can push things around when it is strong and when it is weak it will do little. The solar wind is strongest near the Sun, and weakens the further it is from the center.
After the disk cooled enough for iron to form the other metals solidified too, but it took a very long time for most of the rest to solidify. Water solidifies at zero, methane, helium, hydrogen, oxygen and all the others that make up most of the weight of our solar system, solidify much cooler than that. Some parts of the solar system, out near the edge, reached this temperature sooner and in these locations, the metal clumps began to accrete ices. However, in the center the new solar wind began to blow the volatile gasses out before they could cool and become ice. The clumps of metal could continue to collide and grow in mass, but the majority of the elements of the solar system would not form at their cores.
At a certain distance the ability of the wind to carry the lighter gasses lessens and these light gasses are not stripped from the disk as fast and the Sun is not heating the clumps above the temperature needed to keep these gases gas and they begin to accrete on the clumps of matter. When the mass of the clumps exceeds a certain mass, its gravitational field begins to affect objects further and further away, alternately gathering them or pushing them away from its mass. These planetoids get bigger and bigger accreting more and more clumps and newly formed ices.
The iron bodies in the center of the solar system become large enough that they heat up towards their centers and they form spheroid forms with molten cores while the solar wind strips the lighter gasses away and the light from the star keeps the balls warm. The most distant objects are cold ice balls, as there was never much matter that far from the center. Between the two extremes in the cooler but matter rich zones, large gas giants have formed from matter that had enough gravity to resist the wind and hold on to its volatiles and they have grown very large. Around the edge of the solar system are clumps of ice and planetoids of various sizes many as large as Pluto and Eris and a huge number of lesser objects.
Okay, that is the way solar systems looked just before they created planets, before that they were balls of matter that were gravitationally attracted to the center, accelerating as they fell towards the center, causing the ball to spin, and the spin caused the pancake shape. The stuff spinning faster near the outside and the slower spinning stuff close to the inside. If it was not spinning fast enough it became part of the star and the faster stuff was flung off the disk entirely.
Gravity is a force, the weakest force, of attraction. The more matter present the greater the force. Most of the mass of the solar system is in the Sun, but because of the rest of the mass of the disk, the disk is getting thinner, thanks to gravity. Matter as it is compressed together heats up, in the center it is fifteen trillion degrees celsius, but in the disk it was much cooler at a few thousand. The next question is what state was this matter in, and that is the most critical question and concept for planet creation.
There are four states of matter, solid, liquid, gas, and plasma. Super heated gasses change into a different state called plasma, but that is not important here. One must have an atmosphere for there to be a liquid, all liquids boil away into gas in space, so they are not important here. So we are left with gas and solids and since everything is so hot, everything is gas. Thinking about gaseous iron blows my mind! The gasses start to cool down. The first elements that solidify are stuff like calcium and much later metals like iron and nickel. When the first solids are formed in the planetary disk, they are very diffuse, atoms of matter separated by kilometers of space and gas. Some atoms are closer together, some are farther apart, the closer ones find each other and stick together to form clumps of matter. The first parts of the solar system to form solids were the edges, but there was so little matter out there that clumps took the longest to form, towards the hotter center, there was more matter and so clumps formed faster; the process taking thousands to hundreds of thousands of years. Then iron solidified and there was more iron than calcium in our solar system, so the process began to accelerate. Clumps of matter ran into other clumps of matter and these clumps accreted more matter. The closer to the center of the system, the more mater the was to form clumps, so the bigger the clumps began to become. Soon there were clumps of matter large enough to have a gravitational fields large enough to affect other clumps of matter,ruses clumps began to grow faster.
Sometime during this rush of activity to create planets something marvelous happened, the ignition of the Sun. The densest and hottest part of the solar system is at the center, the Sun. When the nuclear fission occurred, the energy began to press outward on the matter in the star. The matter pushed back, or rather the gravity pulled back, resisting the push outwards of the nuclear reaction. The energy made its way slowly to the edge and when it did it pushed outwards with force. We call this force the solar wind. Like wind it can push things around when it is strong and when it is weak it will do little. The solar wind is strongest near the Sun, and weakens the further it is from the center.
After the disk cooled enough for iron to form the other metals solidified too, but it took a very long time for most of the rest to solidify. Water solidifies at zero, methane, helium, hydrogen, oxygen and all the others that make up most of the weight of our solar system, solidify much cooler than that. Some parts of the solar system, out near the edge, reached this temperature sooner and in these locations, the metal clumps began to accrete ices. However, in the center the new solar wind began to blow the volatile gasses out before they could cool and become ice. The clumps of metal could continue to collide and grow in mass, but the majority of the elements of the solar system would not form at their cores.
At a certain distance the ability of the wind to carry the lighter gasses lessens and these light gasses are not stripped from the disk as fast and the Sun is not heating the clumps above the temperature needed to keep these gases gas and they begin to accrete on the clumps of matter. When the mass of the clumps exceeds a certain mass, its gravitational field begins to affect objects further and further away, alternately gathering them or pushing them away from its mass. These planetoids get bigger and bigger accreting more and more clumps and newly formed ices.
The iron bodies in the center of the solar system become large enough that they heat up towards their centers and they form spheroid forms with molten cores while the solar wind strips the lighter gasses away and the light from the star keeps the balls warm. The most distant objects are cold ice balls, as there was never much matter that far from the center. Between the two extremes in the cooler but matter rich zones, large gas giants have formed from matter that had enough gravity to resist the wind and hold on to its volatiles and they have grown very large. Around the edge of the solar system are clumps of ice and planetoids of various sizes many as large as Pluto and Eris and a huge number of lesser objects.
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