Too many directions

There is too much to write about

There is the psychology of a Crush

There are books I have read

There are movies that I have watched

There are conversations that I have had that have opened my mind

There are breakthroughs in my behaviours

There are personal stuffs that I don't want to share with all people, but I will, because starting a new blog would be like abandoning what I have already written.  And it would be like saying that me sharing MagicEyes and MPTR with the world was okay but not sharing my life with them was not.

Then there is MPTR, who has a blog, and we have patched things up better, which means we understand each other and we will never be together again, but we might talk.  

There is the realization that I am still in love with MagicEyes, even though we never kissed, not even once.  The realization that I still love MPTR too, and India, not to mention Seven.  The realization that MagicEyes still cares about me and is very casually creeping my doings.  Seven cares about me too, her first phone call after gaining a cell phone was to me.  India, I don't know, I willingly gave her up in January of  1998 and have not heard from her since, what is that, 16 and a half years ago.  Which is a coincidence because FlyGirl is 16 years younger than I am and she is the newest chapter in my heart.  There is Poly, who I want to love, because she is such a close match intellectually, who should be a shoe in for my heart, but whom I have too little context with to develop a relationship.  FlyGirl, maybe SuperGirl, not sure, both names fit, she is really special too.

There is just to much to talk about that I don't know where to start.  Perhaps tomorrow I will spend some time writing and you will learn more.

Fighting your dragons

My difficulty with roleplaying comes down to identity.  By my problem, I mean my problem on how I play my characters, not with the games as a whole.  I get a character and I write an amazing back story that I want to play, but when it comes down to playing it, the character becomes personal and the lines begin to blur between the paper character and and my own character that I have been building twenty-four hours a day for decades.  The character stops being that neat concept and becomes me.  It stops being heroic and becomes meek and me.  

It is not all negative.  If you want to know who I am, watch me role-play.  I am always good.  Good meaning not the thing that people mostly mean when they say good, but actually good meaning the person everyone wishes they could be in front of their mother.  The kind of person who gives to charity and jumps before a hail of bullets without looking who they are going to hit, good.  The role-playing experience means that when I do it very well with very few negative consequences.  But I also fail to be the heroic character that I wrote too.  To throw the die and to accept the fate and lead people through performing feats beyond imagining.  This I fail at, I become meek and afraid, as I would, at the option of throwing fate to the wind and leaping off the cliff to save the falling damsel and worry about saving myself after I have the damsel safer in my own hands.

To be heroic is to exceed the expectations of our mortal minds and do things extraordinary.  It is not just to be good, it is to be good and do it very well at the same time.  Mostly, roleplaying lets you you become the person that you can't be in real life.  It lets you be the astronaut  that is facing a life or death situation and find the solution at hand, to be the hero, rescue the princess, save the World.  But if you are on your way to save the world and you start being yourself, you fail; leaping off the precipice to catch the falling damsel, catapulting yourself off the parapets (with a catapult at the marauding dragon, becomes impossible.

My failing is this.

Emotionally compromised

There is this thing that people do when they get drunk.  They call their EX at three in the morning.  

There is this thing I do when I get depressed.  I text or email my depression to the person I have crush on.  Before cellphones it was worse, I would write long depressing emails where I would promise to kill myself, but it was only ever written to the person who I loved and never told.  

I can't kill myself though, there is a three year old who loves me and whom I cannot disappoint ever.  

I deleted my crush's phone number and deleted the conversation.  I CAN'T let it evolve further.  Unless she wants it so, but she doesn't, so I will let her know, the next time I see her —No that never works they way I envision it.  I just have to stop.

Another Crush

I swear, if I ever kill myself depression won't be the cause, it will be unforfilled love

I don't want to ever have a crush ever again.  I hate them.  I never want to be in love with someone that just wants to be friends.  I hate it.  On one side it feels great that I feel this way, but on the other hand I want to die, unless they kiss me.  But that will never happen.  I want to die.

I hate how people around me can tell.  I hate that the person I am in love with can't.  I am also happy that they can't.  I fear the moment that they find out.  I want to die.

Why can't there be a way to fall in love with someone like other people do, you know, where the other person loves them back.  I hate that people around me have been predicting that I am going to fall in love with this person, but they won't do anything to stop it or help it along.  I want to die.

I want to live, with them in my heart, but I want to die because it never will happen.  I want to choose whether to love them or not.  I choose Not, but I don't get to choose; there is nothing for me.  At the conclusion of this path is sorrow,  for me alone.  I would rather die than go through it again.  I hate that there is nothing for me to do.

I want to die

New Start?

Epiphanies sometimes are like a bolt out of the blue.  They hit you and your life is forever changed.  Sometimes they change your life over a long period of time such that you could never recognize them ever, but they change your life anyways.  I think that your first epiphany is like the former and the latter as you have them more regularly.

My first epiphany was about the nature of contact with women, specifically about their independence and that they might not want to have anything to do with you, specifically me.  It took me over a decade to decipher that one.  I most recently had an epiphany.  It may change my life to a greater degree than any other epiphany, other than the one that allowed me to discover my Autism.  This one allowed me to discover my negative personality.  Not a big surprise to a lot of people, but sometimes the filter takes a while to allow things to sink in; in this case years.  I just have to now make the change, they say that realizing that you have a problem is the first step.

I don't know when I became negative exactly, but it is pretty easy to guess.  Always is the simple answer.  Few people understand chronic depression like I do, I have been depressed since about the age of seven, about the time where I started getting the inklings that I could not seem to relate to the other children like they were able to relate to the others.  That is the intellectual answer, the truth is more subtle: I did not know I was depressed or what depression was, but other people knew there was something up or rather going down.  In any case I did not really know I was depressed at this time until I discovered happiness many years later.

Chronic depression does not confer an automatic negative attitude though, that is something that you acquire through misfortune or failure, repeated and often.  Misfortune I did not have.  I was blessed growing up, I had two parents working for me, behind the scenes, trying to help me succeed through high school, because they knew I was having difficulty, but did not know why.  That was a rare thing in Smallville, in Boonieland, where the teachers and the system would rather relegate abnormal children to more remedial teachers.  

Not misfortune but failure.  Not school failure, although that was a near thing, despite an trap mind for facts and Mentant abilities for collating lots of information, I lacked the ability to express my thoughts orally and through writing so I did badly on tests.  No my failure was socially, which has been consistently the ONLY field of battle that I have ever been interested in.  My battles in that arena have typically one sided and even my successes tainted.  Success because the first person was not availible has been a common theme, also has been failure because something better has come up.  This failure type I think has given me the start of my negative attitude.  But not wholly, as when ever there is a new contest, a chance at love, I cease to be so pessimistic, I believe that change is around the corner, another chance to succeed.

So what is it?  Why so negative, why is it pulling me down?  I would have to say that it must be confirmation.  When you predict positive things to happen all of the time, you will meet with failure more often than not, well maybe this is just a personal observation.  When you predict a negative outcome, you are rewarded, I am rewarded with success, more often than not.  There is a danger to predicting a negative outcome, you receive validation which is a positive feeling and you may seek more negative outcomes, subconsciously.  Seeking failure justifies your negative state, and that is bad because you will not want to improve your situation.  

I recently became aware that every social interaction I was engaging in was negative.  I was being negative, I was letting negative things happen to me, so I could talk about it.  I was ignoring the positive.  I became aware of the reactions of people around me.  There are a lot of negative things in this world I don't need to bring a new host of them to every conversation that I have.  I don't have to be superficially happy and bright to everyone I meet, but I should not be honest to strangers who ask how I am doing either

As they say, put a smile on your face and a happy disposition and things will start to look up, I don't think that will happen, but there is sense to atleast keep the negativity to a minimum.

I would like to make a complaint

I would like to complain, I like to complain, but in this case I would to make a complaint!

There are two complaints, one leveled at bike riders and the other at car drivers passing bike riders.

It is funny the entire process of driving a car is so silly.  You sit in the drivers seat and you do practically nothing but steer and push pedals, it should be called car riding.  On the other hand, bicycle riding is the reverse, you steer and you are the engine that moves you forward, you might say that you drive yourself forward and you are a more active participant than in a car, you are driving the bike.  Both terms are trying to make the principal feel the opposite of what they are.  The car driver more in control and the bike rider more at leisure.  Funny.

Anyways, there are bad bike drivers out there.  They don't want to share the road and they drive in the middle of the road.  Some stop at lights in the pedestrian walkway and not behind the stop line on the road.  Similar behaviour can be leveled at scooter riders, they drive in the middle of the road but only travel at about thirty kilometers per hour.  What these people, and I mean to say that they are a minority of the population of bike drivers, lack is empathy.  They are also rude.  When you do things to impede the flow of traffic and the movement of motor vehicles all that you are doing is building resentment towards all drivers of bicycles.  

In some places you are allowed to make a right hand turn when stopped at a traffic light, if it is safe to do so.  Bicycles that stop in the pedestrian crossing lane are preventing motorized vehicles from making these turns.  This builds up resentment.  The only reason why bicycle take this advanced position is to get a jump on the light and if you are paying attention to the light, you can usually get across the intersection before a car anyways because of the bikes faster reaction time.  

So, because roads are made for cars and not bikes, be nice to car riders and stop aggravating them.  Remember they are the people that pass the laws and write the laws, they could if they wanted to, ban bike travel on some roadways.

Car riders, you are not getting off here scot free.  New laws in Ontario say that you have to give a bike driver a meter clearance when you pass them.  Only a meter.  You complain that you are afraid of the bike driver, so you give them a wide berth.  You slow down and slow traffic, you give us a five meter clearance when you do pass; literally you pass into the next oncoming lane of traffic to pass us.  Most roadways in North America are about 12 wide, most vehicles can be a maximum of 8 feet wide, many cars are more narrow than this.  I am the exception of most cyclists and can usually drive my bike within ten centimeters or four inches of the edge of e road, all the rest drive within a foot of the edge, this gives the rider of a car the required three feet clearance without venturing into the opposing lane of traffic.  Granted some roads are pretty crappy and the bike rider needs to encroach further from the edge of the road way to avoid debris or potholes, but this would mean at most a very little amount of passing in the opposing lane.  You car riders make me not want to be on the road because you may kill someone to avoid me and you don't need to.  This is why it is important for bike riders to hug the edge of the roadway and not hog the center.  

I complain to car riders that they give too much room at stop lights.  They sit far behind my rear tire and treat me like another car.  I appreciate your respect. Thank you, now get up here and activate the light for me.  Yes activate the light.  I am turning and so are you, but the turning light won't turn on, because I don't weigh as much as a car, if you don't come up here, we could be waiting a very long time.  There are lots of sensors in roadways that are only activated by the mass of a small car.  Bicyclists and motorcyclists know what I am talking about.  We don't want to break the law but we end up sitting there until we do or a car comes up and activates the sensor for us.  Sometimes to make a left I have to make a right and then do a u-turn or to get across an intersection, a right, a u-turn and another right.  Really do I need to do that and in busy traffic just to get where I need to go?  No wonder motorcyclists travel in groups, three motorcycles will activate the lights and five or or six bicycles?

End of entry.

New subject.

Driving a bicycle with out my hands is something that I can do, really well.  I can drive a bike up a long hill, up a short steep hill, down a shallow steep hill, along a straight stretch, around street corners through a weaving course, for short distances and for long distances.  It is something I taught myself as a kid, where I also learned that I cannot ride a bike without the use of my hands going down a steep hill.  I refined it when I tried again as a teenager, and learned how to drive up hills and along long stretches of road ways.  It is actually easy, but you have to understand that when you steer a bicycle, the handlebars are only part of steering.  

Every play with a wheel?  The motion of a spinning wheel resists the pull of gravity and stays upright for a good while, add a second wheel and the bike will stay upright even longer.  Little wobbles in the course get corrected out by opposite counter measures from the second wheel.  The forward motion of the bike keeps the wheels spinning and the spinning wheels kep the bike upright.  When the bike slows too much, gravity overcomes the bike and down it comes to the ground.putting a rider on the bike, the rider just has to stay well balanced and it stays upright, if they add forward motion, the bike stays upright longer.  The act of pedaling provides a bit more stabilization as the side to side motion can counter natural side to side rythumns.  

Turning on a bike is about shifting your mass as much as it is about steering with the handlebars.  When you go around a curve with speed one learns to lean into the turn to provide a counter to the centrifugal forces of the turn.  At slower speeds adjustments of weight can cause the wheel to turn subtly.  Mastering these little movements allows a cyclist to never need to steer with their hands.  Coasting down hills without pedaling allows the road to introduce vibrations into the steering column.  These vibrations can cause the wheel to turn and slip out from under the rider, so on some hills it may be necessary to hold the handlebars.  

Inexperienced bikers drivers and experienced car riders have difficulty with people driving with no hands.  The mindset of the rider is that one NEEDS to use your hands to steer and all the evidence contrary  will do nothing to convince them otherwise.  For the comfort of car riders and other cyclists I touch the steering column while driving my bike.  

End of entry

New beef.

Stairs are built for normal feet and small feet.  Sometimes if I am not paying attention, I lose my balance on steps: my heel is left off the step and I put pressure on it an fall.  Walking down, I put pressure on the ball and I slip off.  Walking down with the balls of my feet I sometimes put pressure on the heel and my foot becomes a bridge from one step to the other, the long side of a right angle triangle.  

I hate my long wide, big feet and not enough women seem to be interested in finding out if the rumours are true about big feet and cock size to compensate.

Poly 2

Love, love.  Love!

Have I been in love?  I don't know anymore.  Was it love or was it lust, was it love or was it need?  Does there need to be two people involved for it to be love?  What are the possible combinations and are they all love?

I have recounted all the loves in my life already and relishing them will not mean anything here and now as a few new names here or there will not mean anything to anyone.  But I did recently have an offer of sorts.  The offer was to possibly become part of someone's "polycule".  What I get from her description a polycule is the series of connections that a person has of a sexual nature in a polyamorous relationship.  

Everyone has something similar to a polycule, a flow chart of everyone's sexual history.  Try to visualize that, the only way I could visualize it was with a four-dimensional model.  Three dimensional models would look like a weave of mixing that would confuse too many people.  Two demensional models only work if you are looking at the sexual history of one person.  I would think the ideal relationship model would be two dimensional, two people one single lasting monogamous relationship, but how often does that happen?

The unfortunate reasoning behind my need to model sexual relationships comes from the very effective scare strategy of the condom producers used to increase their sales in the years following the outbreak of AIDS and HIV.  The video featured a girl and reaching back into the past of her sexual relationships and all their sexual relationships until we met the bad guy who had HIV.  The point they were making is that if not one of them used a condom, they all were infected with HIV and they were all going to die.  This model works for all sorts of diseases from herpes to hepatitis, from HPV to syphilis. It is scary.  It has guided my history to a few times and has made me a chronic condom user.

A polycule is something different though.  It is a representation of all the linked sexual partners and can be best represented with a two dimensional model.  Each person could have as many as they can handle partners but they remain stable with very little fluctuation.  There are partners that drop in and off the map but it can remain quite stable over time.  As I can see it, there is only one or two disadvantages to polyamory and the rest are advantages.

The first disadvantage would be the lack of protection from a psychopathic lover, that is a lovers with no sense of guilt or conscience, truthfully, no type of relationship can protect them selves from this kind of lover.  That is the lover who has a STD and shares it with everyone they meet.  The way I see it is that one psychopath can infect a stable longterm polycule all in one go.  It can be mitigated through the use of protection with new lovers but not eradicated.  

The second problem would be if you are monogamous and you fall in love with someone in the polycule.  More of a problem for someone joining the polycule than for someone already there.  I imagine that no one joins a polyamorous group if they are not already polyamorous. Meaning that at one point you are just in an open relationship and you meet someone who expands your possibilities a bit more and you become committed to more than one person.  But joining with someone who is poly and is not poly themselves, it might be more of a leap.  

Me though, what about me?  I am monogamous, which surprises me most of all. I fall in love easily and often, well actually it takes a long time for me to actually feel for them, but when I do, it is forever.  Usually, it is just me falling in love with them, it is unusual for them to love me back.  I really like the idea of being polyamorous, but I can't do it, I don't think I can do it because I get tunnel vision and I can't see anyone outside of the person I am seeing or even with or walking beside.  How do I handle being with someone who is dividing all there free time between more than one lover, of which I am only one of?  The solution would be to divide my time between multiple people too or try to date other people while they are away.  Try to date, remember the tunnel vision.  

I talk to my friends, two friends mostly, GardnerGuru and WiseWoman of the Mountain.  WWotM suggested to me first that it would go badly.  WWotM is not a conservative prude either, she lives an alternate lifestyle, or did, and I respect her suggestions and advice.  When I told GardenerGuru, she paused and told me the same thing then expanded upon it with detail.  Both friends told me essentially that they thought if there was anyone they knew who were open minded enough to accept the lifestyle, it was me, but that it was wrong for me at this time because of my relationship history.  If MPTR and Seventh had left me with a better confidence, if MagicEyes had wanted anything more than friendship, maybe.  MPTR and MagicEyes both could have been stepping stones to being poly.  MPTR being poly herself, if massively immature, and MagicEyes being some distance away, maybe would have helped.  

I don't know.  I wish that I were ready to have a poly relationship.  I wish that I could see all the women that I love more often, as I still love them all.  I wish that I could divide my time between all of them, but instead I divide by zero.  I wish that I could date this new girl, because she is awesome.  Truly.  It is like she is my lost twin, mentally.  But she is splitting her love already between many people.  My friends say that I could love this girl eventually and if I do become her friend, it will happen eventually, as sure as the sun will rise in the East, but if I do, I will pine away for something that will never be what I want and for something I cannot have wholly.

But I will do it anyways, because my entire life up to this point has been about me pining after women who don't want my love.  Why should the rest of my life be any different?  If I continue to be friends, I will fall in love and if she wants to add me to her polycule of lovers, I will likely consent.  I don't see how part of something can be worse than all of nothing, but perhaps I don't see the whole picture?