At a loss

Personal trigger warning

Maybe that will help for people who view my blog but don't want to be hit by my candor.

A month ago I met this woman online, that is I never actually met her.  She had ASD like me.  Also like me she described the social world in a similar fashion, she used social algorithms to describe how she related to the world around her, I use social computer programs, causal strings, if this then.  She is a teacher too.  She has less relationship difficulties because she has breasts, her words.  Where I have these social theories about how my computer programs might model the world socially, she has been able to put them into practice and refine them, because she has breasts.  Men are pigs.  They will fuck anything.  Women are not and do not.  Some will fuck anything to be sure, but even they are more discerning because they have more choice, so when I said that and when she said that, she was admitting that that was the essential difference between us; she self identifies as a man, a gay man.  

She was strongly attracted to me and I was to her—not physically, but experientially.  In the end though, she told me that we could not meet because I was not treating my ASD and she was and she did not want to treat my ASD and deal with her own shit.  Which I did not think was fair either, but I think a lot of my shit would be solved or atleast be closer to bein solved by being in a relationship.  I also have been through the psychiatric system many years ago and I was misdiagnosed and given drugs that did not work.  I was not diagnosed with ASD.  I was diagnosed with a minor sex addiction, depression and anxiety.  One of those three was later removed from the Psychatric textbook.  Sex is not an addiction, it is a compulsion.  ASD fits far better, but it was missed.  Anyways the result is that I don't really trust psychiatrists as much as I did then.  

But then things got worse.  I got scammed because I wanted so bad to meet someone, and I have been working so much lately that I have been more tired and not as good at thinking when tired and lonely.  Truth is than cis-woman man said that he would meet up with me, if I got help.  So I have been trying to do just that.  After I fell for the first scam, I made a doctor's appointment and got a referral to see a specialist and my appointment is for tomorrow.  

What people are willing to do for love, eh?  And I am trying not to delude myself, He is a woman who is in a poly relationship. At most I can only expect a limited time with him when his partner is with other people and she is not with other people.  

Which brings me to a question that is was given last year that is did not answer correctly then.  A woman said, I am not interested in sex much, are you okay with that.  My answer was I like sex, I want a lot.  I should have answered with the deeper truth that I was not aware of at the time.  If I am with you, and we have sex once a month, that is one more time a month than I am currently having.  I was unprepared for the question and my answer while true did not match the actual truth.  If I were in a relationship the amount of sex would not actually be important as being in a relationship.  Once a month, once a week once a day, once a year, never—as long as I was getting something from it, other intimacy.  Or permission to seek it from someone else.  I might be ready to be polyamorous.  Because where would I be if I was not with a Polyamorous person?

I hope tomorrow is helpful.  As I told someone recently, I am not coping well with my ASD than I appear to be.  Because no one can read my emotional turmoil.

Part 2.  I have tendinitis, specifically Tennis Elbow.  What that means is that every-time is lift anything with my right arm, it hurts and anytime I lift heavy things I am doing more damage.  Things that I do that are damaging my arm more: Driving.  Lifting trees.  Actually lifting anything.  This Wednesday, for example I drove from this suburban wasteland West of BigSmoke to the suburban wasteland North of BigSmoke.  Dug out and lifted twenty dead trees up a hill and onto the truck I was driving.  Drove back to the places started from, unloaded said dead trees and then went to purchase twenty living trees to replace the dead trees, each of whom weighed around two hundred pounds— not hyperbole, they were six foot cedars, freshly watered with an eighteen inch rootball.  Back to the job site.  Back down the hill, in wheelbarrows–because I am not stupid, but my helper could not lift the trees, so I had to lift and load them and unload them from the truck; my helper could tip the wheelbarrow over to unload them.  Then drive back home because driving three hundred kilometers in a day is a lot of city driving.  That was a thirteen and a half hour day with no lunch break and a lot of more arm damage.

Good news, doctor did other check up related stuff.  BP is low, 115/67 and my weight is down… a lot down.  Sixty pounds down from two years ago.  My friend tells me that I have lost the weight too quickly and I have therefore lost muscle mass.  I look at him and resolve to never tell him anything ever again, again.  Assume I lost the sixty pounds since I started biking to work and working physical labour too.  Sixty divided by six months, ten pounds a month, two and a half a week.  Has my food intake stayed the same, gone up or down?  It has gone up.  Also I am eating more fast food too.  There is a lot of healthy fast food too.  Two pound burritos made with nothing fried and with a dozen and a half different ingredients is way healthier than a quarter pounder and fries.  I lost more weight, theoretically, in the first few weeks than the last, but I am still losing weight.  I bet I have lost another five pounds since the doctor's appointment, because I have felt the need to bore another hole in my belt since then.  Perhaps later tonight.  I am still constantly hungry too.  Perhaps there are positive health benefits to lifting twenty two hundred pound trees four times a piece over two days. As well as twenty-six kilometers of bike riding every day.

I am depressed.  Run down.  Intimacy starved.

Chemicals!!

 The definition of a chemical is complex— searching a variety of definitions results in many circular definitions: a chemical is a chemical substance, resultant from a chemical reaction or causes chemical effects.  I was able to narrow it down to any stable substance that cannot be taken apart unless one has to break apart the chemical bonds of the individual elements… which sounds complicated, but simply means that any substance that consists of more than one atom.  So I then tried to break that definition, are there pure substances that consist of only one element and are they chemicals?  There are only one group of elements on the periodic table that are stable with one atom, that class VIII elements on the far right of the table, Helium, Neon, Krypton and the like and then I asked the Internet if they are chemicals and yes they are!!!

So chemicals are any pure substance.  Like oxygen, water, gold, diamond, sugar, PCBs, insulin, formaldehyde and many, many, many others.  Stress on the Many.  Really.  If there is one thing that most people did not get is that the world is made of chemicals.  We are made of chemicals., everything that is a tangible thing is made of chemicals or is a chemical.  A natural egg from a free ranged chicken is not a chemical, but is made of chemicals and has as much nutritional value as any other chicken egg, although size and flavour may be different do to differences in the individual chicken breed, environment and feed, but an egg is an egg is an egg.  An egg is a bag of chemicals.

The other thing that you need to know about all chemicals is that every chemical is toxic to life given the proper dosage or conditions.  Every chemical has a lethal dose and most chemicals have a non lethal dose.  Water, is a very common chemical on Earth and people think that it is completely safe.  In moderation water is relatively safe.  The typical human adult can ingest six liters of water every day and have no ill effect, if they were to breathe a fraction of that water they would die.  If they were to ingest the same six liters in one or two hours, they might also die.  Water provides that medium that a lot of chemical reactions occur in, in the body, but too much water causes these reactions to cease.  If you over load your body to the point that your kidneys can't remove all the excess water, you die.  

Aspartame is a chemical that is sweeter than sugar, a lot sweeter than sugar and it has no caloric value, i.e. it makes things sweet like sugar but with no input of energy into the body, and no insulin production and no fat production.  Compared to water, Aspartame is much more lethal, but since so little of it is required to make things as sweet as sugar it is difficult to reach this lethal dose.  If you were going to use diet soft drinks to overdose yourself with aspartame, you would need overdose on water many times over used to get the correct lethal dose into your body.  That means that you would have died much sooner of too much water.

Dosage is not the only way that people tell other people that some substance is bad for you though. Once a chemical enters your body, the enzymes in your body (also chemicals) used in the digestion process can chemically break the chemical into other chemicals and these chemicals can have their own lethal dose levels.  A big one that a lot of people point to is formaldehyde.  Formaldehyde that toxic substances that people get exposed to when the do biology experiments with frogs and such.  They know what they are talking about, formaldehyde is very toxic.  It is also very common chemical produced when the body digests anything.  It is a very basic chemical building block, it is basically water with one carbon atom added to the mix: CH2O.

When aspartame is broken down by the body, methanol is a side product.  Methanol is broken down into formaldehyde.  Both methanol and formaldehyde are toxic so you should never drink diet pop and you should instead drink a nice cool glass of tomato juice.  Tomato juice which when it is digested produces four times as much methanol and therefore four times as much formaldehyde.  

Aspartame is a man made chemical and is therefore bad for you.  By that reasoning, insulin injections for diabetics should not be used either.  Tylenol should not be used either to treat headaches.  You should only ingest natural products, chew willow bark for pain relief.  Try talking with a cheek full of willow bark or stopping for ten minutes to brew tea every few minutes to get a high enough dose to numb the pain, perhaps opium would help better?  Natural products are natural therefore have no negative side effects.  Pure bullshit, also a natural product that you need to process before using it on your garden.

Aspartame is produced as a by product of lethal E.coli bacteria; aspartame is bacteria excrement!  When I was told this, I looked it up.  It is true and who cares?  E.coli is a strain of bacteria, a very large group of bacteria.  Direct from the Canadian Public Health Agency, most are harmless.  They live in our bodies and help digest our food.  Some varieties have very bad side effects when they are ingested but you should not confuse the bacteria for its by products.  Milk comes from an animal, some animals kill people, therefore you should not drink milk is another way to look at their argument.  Trees make oxygen, but I would never tell anyone that not to breathe because we should not eat trees.

Back to chemicals.  All chemicals, every chemical has a lethal dose, so every chemical should be taken only in moderation.  Moderation is different for each chemical, but just because a chemical has a lethal dose is not a reason to avoid the chemical.  Some chemicals are required to function normally, some chemicals have no beneficial effects for the functioning of the body, but should not be avoided for that reason. 

Back to aspartame; aspartame sweetened food tastes sweet, but does not contain as much sugar as it might normally have.  Less sugar triggers a lesser insulin spike.  For those that don't know, the body regulates the amount of sugar in the bloodstream by releasing insulin which converts the sugar to fat which can be used when blood sugar levels are lower.  Diabetes is a condition where insulin production is severely limited or where the effectiveness of the insulin is compromised and too much sugar in the blood has negative health effects.  Too much fat also has negative health effects too, so aspartame laden foods are more healthy for some people than natural sugar laden foods.

Last point, the body can't tell how a food item is grown.  It can't tell if the meat from a chicken that was raised in a barn or raised free ranged.  It can't tell because the enzymes are blind to this fact and the chemicals that the body needs to sustain itself are in both types of chickens and any other chemicals do not affect our body in the dose present.  This statement is not entirely true, organic farmers are allowed to use older chemicals that have been phased out in non organic food production which have lower lethal doses than other chemicals, so wash your Organic Food carefully.  

Talk

 Don't post from cell phones that often.  I need to talk to someone.  I would prefer to speak to a human, rather than you.  Excuse me WaifGirl if you feel I sure my insides too much.  You too Greg.

I need to talk to someone.  I can't talk to anyone in my life without it being thrown back at me by some people, shared widely by some and can't talk to some because it is about them.  I don't want to rudeness myself constantly on the rest.

I need help.  I am depressed.  It is not a chemical imbalance.  It is a relationship imbalance.  Loneliness imbalance.

I recently had a single friend tell me that they might be ready for a relationship.  I treated it as just information.  I told one person and they suggested that they were interested in me.  I had been depressed for two weeks.  That day was the best day in months.  The weekend was really good too.  I confronted y friend if that is what they meant.  No it wasn't. Instantly I deflated.  Instantly.

Instantly I was depressed again.  I know why I was depressed.  If my friend gets into a relationship, she will have no more time for me.  I will be happy that she will not be lonely, but I will be more lonely.

I have reached out for help.  But they can't cure it.

I wish the car that almost hit me last week was going faster.

Plains of Caranus

My original idea for the blank space on my map of the Plains of Caranus, was that it would remain blank.  The word plain means ordinary and as it applies to geography it means ordinary variation in height, that is flat.v when we look in out world we see plains that have variations.  The hills are flat rolling like the waves of the ocean; they are hills but the average altitude does not really change.  Also, the land is soil based.  Where I grew up could have been considered a plain, there were a lot of hills, but the average altitude did not change much, but there was little soil and a lot of bedrock at the surface, so it was not a Plain.  Vegetation does not make a plain either.  We picture an ocean of grassland with herds of large herbivores.  Nature scientists first thought that the rainfall did not sustain forests and it was the grass that grew natively on the plains of the Prairie, but it was the herbivores that created the grassy coverage by mowing the trees to death.   Other plains on Earth have this affect the Serengeti is mowed down by herbivores and trees are rare there too, but the if left alone, the trees would come back and cover the landscape.  

The Plains of Caranus are huge.  The original Hex paper I used was about 40x30 hexes and the scale I used was 100km/hex, giving the page about 12 million square kilometers area.  Which means little to most people. So here try this on for scale, one sheet has more area than Canada, the USA, or Europe, individually or half the size of Russia.  The area of the Plains of Caranus had about four of these sheets in it.  The plains stretched from the temperate zone to the subtropical zone.  The Northern extent would get snow and be cold a quarter of the actual year, the South would be brutally hot for a quarter of the actual year, and unpleasantly warm the rest, because it is beside a very tropical sea.  The whole of the plains would be analogous to the Great North American Plains, which stretch from Texas to the Northwest Territories, except much larger in size.  No, it was unintentional.  

The nature of this "Plain" is that it is flattish, that it all drains into the Great River and it is completely heterogeneous.  Let me explain that last one.  There are some forests dotting the area that stretch for a thousand kilometers, that are documented on the map, there are areas of low hills that cover a million square kilometers and there are no mountains.  But this does not hold true on the small scale.  Each hex is a big area: ten thousand square kilometers, many countries are smaller than that and all cities are smaller.  Each hex is composed of mostly arable land.  The Plains are a hodgepodge of hills, forests, small mountains, grasslands, marshes, and micro deserts like badlands.  There are great rivers, small rivers, lakes, towns and cities.  There are empires that control a hundred hexes and there are towns that run free independent of all.  It would be easy to say that the plains contain a thousand kingdoms, but if you spent the time to categorize each, it would have changed by completion.  10,000 would be closer.  

Let me explain Heterogeneous again.  On Earth, a space the size of the Americas prior to European discovery, had 1,500 living languages and maybe that many cultures, but all human.  The Plains of Caranus, are much bigger than the Americas, the language diversification, would be similarly diverse, but would not be JUST human.  The Four Great Races: the Elves, the Humans, The Orcs and the Dragon-kin were altered when the Great Calamity occurred. The massive dose of radiation from the exploding Orcish Colony ship interacted with the Magic of the world in general affected everything.  

Great human civilizations were obliterated wholesale, but where they survived there were a few new species, but mostly new races that populated the stretch, thousands of years of evolution in a few generations.  The demihumans were affected least, diversification of their races just as the humans did, more Dwarf races, more Halfling races, more gnome races.  The Elves, suffered like the humans, diversity of races and mutant like new species called Fariykin.  Dragonkin mutated similarly too.  As with the Orcs.  The Orcs were new to the world entirely.  Their mutations were also new.  Gnolls, Bugbears, Hobgoblins, Goblins?, Trolls, Ogres, Ettins and others joined the ranks of species at large, with much conflict and change.  Animals, stayed animals, but some became monsters.

When I originally made the Plains, I had been using the Dungeons and Dragons paradigm, so every culture, individual, species had an alignment.  They ranged along two spectrums, Chaos to Lawfulness, Goodness through Evilness.  Each race was set and unmutable.  Humanoids were evil, demihumans were good.  My intention for the Plains was turn this on it's head.  Orcs could be good, halflings could be evil.  Other Role Playing systems changed this for me in my head, morality became more defined and less polar.  

The Plains of Caranus, is a big blank screen of white, with large rivers flowing through it.  Just as white light is made of all the rest of the colours, the apparent blankness of the Plain is filled everything in the world: Ten Thousand Kingdoms (Empires to independent Towns), Ten thousand cultures, a thousand races, one hundred sentient species and one race, one species, one policing all of it unseen; The Protectors.

Policing.  The Protectors are rumour and myth.  They are unseen and they are unfelt.  They move through the lands creating great wonders in unused uninhabitable lands.  They impose restrictions on where people can go and what they can learn, but remain in the shadows.  The lands in the North East were restricted from settlement for thousands of years until the last migration from the distant continent was allowed.  The North East is populated by refugees who are prideful and xenophobic in extreme, they were guided to this land by the Protectors.  The Protectors, lifted the ban on transportation to Caranus from the other continent.  Lifted their own ban.  To allow the xenophobes entrance to their new land, that they had been preparing for them centuries prior to their rise in that old continent.  For what reason, is a mystery to all that know.  Know, because very few know that the North East has been populated yet and none know why the Protectors had let them of all people come to that place.  

The Protectors have no leadership, they follow the dictates of their goddess, the planet itself, but there is a first amoung equals, the Chosen of the Goddess.  The Chosen can see through the lines of fate and can nurture the lines that will affect the world at large to protect it.  The Chosen knows that there is a calamity coming that is hidden by uncertainty and that the Chosen of the Blue Goddess is important to this time and must be uncovered and that she was born a few years ago, in the lands of the Xenophobes a culmination of working of the fates for a thousand years.  The power of the Unseen Goddess runs through her and it is with her that the Protectors and the First Among Equals, hope to uncover the Chosen of the Red Lady and the Chosen of the Green Lady and with them shepard the world through the troubled times.

Sounds like the basis of an epic novel, eh?

Mixed bag

What is the difference between being strong willed and being incredibly stubborn?  What is the difference between not giving up in the face of adversity and just being too stupid to try something else?  

I don't know.  

Seven has told me that she is pregnant again.  Occasionally I wonder about her, I wonder about every failed attempt at relationship bliss, but her especially.  As expected, her full embrace of her wacky religion has left her wide open to every piece of woo out there.  Not only will she be home schooling her children so that they do not have to be exposed to the deadly threat vaccinations pose, but she is purchasing bottled water so that she is not exposed to the known neurotoxin, Fluoride!  What junk.  She used to use her considerable intelligence for useful things, but since embracing religion, she has been left open to accepting garbage.

She told me that she HAD to get pregnant at-least one more time so that her daughter would have one playmate that Seven could trust.  Any one with a sibling raise your hand.  If you or your sibling were the perfect best friends growing up, keep that hand up and everyone look around.  Who was your best friend growing up, was it your sibling, or someone else?  I imagine that it will have to be her children if she locks them up and does not let the real world intrude.  

Perhaps she is correct that fluoride IS a toxic substance.  Wait, she is correct, anything in high enough dose is toxic, but name one thing that is not?  Air, too much of it and you are dropping like a stone!  Too much oxygen and fires become way too easy and you might just burst into flames.  Too much water and your cells stop functioning, the chemical reactions stop and you die.  Too much fluoride and your bone density drops, way too much and you die, just the right amount and your bone density increases and your teeth become stronger and more resistant to decay.  

The funny thing in this is that she recently became rabid about mushrooms, the wild variety and has started picking them and eating them.  Wild mushrooms are safe, if you get the right ones, determining the correct mushroom can be difficult, but that is not the full story, most mushrooms, even the commercially available ones, require cooking because they otherwise contain carcinogens and other toxins at very low levels.  It is like she ignores some information and follows other information religiously with little understanding what she is doing.  

It is probably my fault.  Well my fault and her science teachers and other teachers.  Critical Thinking is difficult to impart in a school setting and people will neglect its teaching to teach the facts that they are mandated to teach.  Teachers are mandated to teach, language, mathematics and facts, historical and otherwise.  But that is not what teachers should be teaching explicitly.  Implicitly they are teaching Communication, Logic and Critical Thinking, but this should be reversed, the former should be implicitly taught and the latter explicitly.  The facts are immaterial if a person can use logic and critical thinking to figure out the facts.

Back to the original.  Crushing defeats repeatedly on the subject of relationships has lead me to the conclusion that I NEED to give up and surrender, but I can't accept defeat and I am going to push on and keep trying despite everything.  Stubborn, willfull, doggedly, stupidly.

Caranus— the Protectors

Of the Protectors:

When I first envisioned them, I was thinking along the dungeons and dragons paradigm. So, I thought of them as humans with class restrictions; specifically Barbarians and Druids of the game and then they could learn other classes, and learn they did.  They were the best Mages, the only ones that could tap tenth through twelfth level spells, according to Dungeons and Dragons rules, this was impossible for humans.  The rigors of the environment that they lived made it so that only the best of them could succeed, the closeness to nature of the goddess of the planet, who was the only goddess available to them due to the nature of the spell cast, Druids were the only priests option available.  

With a paradigm change, away from Dungeons and Dragons, the back story remains unchanged but the methods change.  The basic physiological stuff remains unchanged.  They are superior.  They don't shit, they metabolize everything digestible.  The only thing that is ever excreted is dust: the sand and indigestible stuff in our food.  The other ways that they are superior to the sentients of Caranus are in the general senses, the only ones that people come in contact with are the very best of their society.  Like if we encountered aliens  in space, astronauts would give an untrue perception of the average human, they are the best examples of us, peak physical training, multiple degrees etc. So are they, the ones that graduate and are allowed to enter Caranus from their new world are the very best.  They are physically nearly perfect, with advanced magical training.  

Their world.  When the spells were cast they did a few things simultaneously.  They opened up an extra-dimensional pocket in the side of a mountain and created a mirror image of Caranus, but with one sun and an odd parody of life that was more challenging than the world they had just left, but safer than the doom that was falling on them.  There was also very large time speed difference, large enough that the time lock on the gate gate of one year, was substantially greater for those inside the enclosure, so long that a great civilizations rose and fell and evolution proceeded before they were again to emerge from the safety of their enclosure.  Inside, as they were inside the mountain, they were exposed only to the energies of the planet and the fourth goddess, the planet itself.  They became devotees to her and she to them.  She moulded them to be what they needed to be to protect the world.  

Time… there is a Round which is roughly a week, the time it takes the two dancing suns to dance a round, there is a year, the time it takes the dancers to dance around the floor, i.e. around the invisible sun and there is a real year, the time it takes the dancers to dance through the seasons, roughly twenty-four dances.  Sidereally, this is just a perception.  The dancers dance around the central star, twenty-five times and the Planet once around the central star, so from the perception of the planet, the dancers dance six times per season, or twenty-four times every real year.  Humans live, on average about three years.  Elves, see more years, but this is dependent on their sub-race.  River Elves, eighty years, Mountain Elves seventy-five, Forest Elves sixty, Deep Elves fifty and Sea Elves forty (they are River Elves, but ocean mortality is so much higher).  Dwarves live about five years, halflings three.  Humanoids live three years too, same as humans.  The protectors live about one hundred years without the aid of magic and do not die of natural causes, unless dragons are a natural cause of death!  

It is often easier to describe time using weeks, months and years that do not match the same time periods as they do on Earth.  In the histories, timescales used are Earth standard to avoid confusion.  I have a spreadsheet that explains the weather/climate and seasonal variation better.