The way it is supposed to be.

Someone said to me recently that things worked out for the best and that things were the way they were supposed to be.  And that hurt me because it was my ex girlfriend.  The one that did not so much as get away, but was forced away.  The one that only had to tell her boyfriend who she did not love, that she was not interested anymore, like she told me so many times.  I see what you are thinking, but it is not like that; she Passived Out.  She is More Passive Than Rain.  Passive aggressive, she would not leave him because she was afraid that he would take her daughter away.  That shared custody was too much, that seeing her daughter go away for the weekend was too much for her.  She would rather stay with him and suffer through verbal and mental abuse than to be with out her daughter for one second.

In a way it is noble, an ideal of sacrifice.  She is sacrificing her happiness, my happiness, for her child.  Never mind that her son is being raised to treat women like MPTR's boyfriend is treating her.  Never mind the tension in the home, all that she sacrifices to be with her child.  Funny how noble sacrifice can be turned into selfish sacrifice when the full picture is revealed.  Yes, I am biased, she might be happy.  But she is not.

Love is not the most important thing in a marriage.  Love is probably not in the top five, really.  Because if love IS the most important then what happens when it is gone?  The marriage collapses.  Love is something that can happen, it is something that happens easily.  Trust, that is my more important.  Truthfulness is more important.  Communication is more important.  Hard work is more important.  Empathy is more important too.  When it comes right down to it, everything is more important than love, but if you have those things, you will have Love.  If you have those things you won't fall out of love, because those things will sustain love when things get rough.  And if you don't have them love will fail one day, someday and if love is the basis of your partnership, that too will fail.

So when she says that things worked out in the way they were supposed to work out, I want to slap her. I see that as acceptance but also giving up any part that she had to do with arriving at that position.  

"It is supposed to be that way," also suggests that a higher power wanted things to be that way.  Any way you look at that statement it appears to be fatalistic.  Fate decreed that it was going to be like that. It was destined.  God wants it that way.  What ever you did in your past life predetermined how things are going to work for you in this life.  All nonsense.  Don't believe me?  A little child lies starving in the gutter: Fate decreed that it was going to be like that. It was destined.  God wants it that way.  What ever you did in your past life predetermined how things are going to work for you in this life.

Utter nonsense.  Someone neglected the child in the gutter, someone ignored the child.  The child in the gutter was not preordained to die there.  MPTR was not preordained to be unhappy with her lot in life, but she did accept it and did not fight it.  She did not have to be in the situation that she is in now if she fought for something else, if she met me half way.  If I had not met her half way my life would have been better, well maybe not better, but it would have been different.  There would have been no blog.  I would not have met WaifGirl, MagicEyes, Polygirl, SuperGirl and more people that are not mentioned in this blog.  I might have been happier, I might have been mor unhappy.  There is no way to tell.  But I met her half way.  If she had extended herself just as far, her life cod have been equally different as mine was.  If we met half way, I know things would have been better and she would have been happier and I would have been happier too.

But things are the way they are supposed to be.  What a cop out.  Why not just give up and become the leaf blowing in the wind.  Why not become as passive as rain: fall because of gravity, the wind blows you left or right, back or forth, but you fall.  You can't choose where you are going to land; it has all been preordained.  The rain erodes the ground where it hits, but you just take the form of the pocket of land where you hit, because you are more passive than rain.

Sincerity

It comes down to sincerity.  Everything comes down to sincerity.  When you are talking to someone or increasingly these days typing to them you have to know when people are being sincere.  And this is a problem if, for example, you can't read people's body language.  As followers know, I have Asperger's Syndrome, also know as Autism Spectrum Disorder and one of the side effects is that you have difficulty reading people and their body language.  It should be noted that if you can't read body language, you are not very good at speaking with it too.  So for me, I find it easier to just tell the truth in all cases.  If you are not speaking a lie and no one catches you in a lie ever and you are honest to a fault about yourself, people will trust you at your word.  

I can't read sarcasm, which causes many problems because I can't tell if someone is agreeing with me when they say the opposite thing.  I try to be sarcastic but often don't know if I am doing it right.  When I expect sarcasm I can read it, when I don't I can't.  

My own mother, whom views mental illness very negatively and so won't accept I have Autism — not an unheard of response, thinks I am rude because sometimes I speak in a patronizing voice.  Which I have no control over.  I don't know that I am doing it.  People who know me, no that I don't mean it as such.  Some even think it is funny, because it is like sarcasm, because I am trying to be sincere.  

You see being sincere allows you to talk to people and let them know you care.  It is great to let people know that you are sorry about something, really sorry and not just going through the motions.  Reading sincerity is also important because it lets you know that you are forgiven, or in the very least that your apology is accepted.  If you can't read people, and you are sincerely apologizing, you might not see that your apology has been accepted and you might put yourself in the doghouse on your own.  

Apologizing over the Internet and messenger type systems, can also be tough, because the person is not present in person to read and typed messages are by their nature impersonal.  The desire for sincerity in these media can push people to go overboard.  Can you go too far?

My strategy is to apologize and then let them decide when they wish to reestablish contact.  Often your transgression was done through the media that you apologized over so your sin and you recompense are staring your victim in the face every time

The right option

Right now.  My head is breaking apart.  Sudden Onset Depression is tearing me apart.  The acceptance that my best friend of the 90s just doesn't want to be a part of my life and the acceptance that SuperGirl also doesn't want to be any part of my life coupled with my social blunders of the past week which number three, with three separate people, are making me wish that I had been successful in my suicide attempt.  Not that I am looking to die today, I just wish that I had died those many years ago, before I really knew any of them.  

It is not self pity.  It is exasperation that I feel that I have come so far only to have stayed in the same place; that nothing has really changed in twenty-one years.

Maybe I do want to die.  My desperation to be social is gnawing at my insides and yet I seem to be persistently undermining every social interaction I have.

To be clear.  I don't ever want to have a crush on anyone again.  I did not want to have a crush on SuperGirl this Summer.  When I sensed the possibility existed, I was proactive and sought to remedy it by trying to socialize with her, which was initially successful, but later failed, but not my fault.  My attempt at normal socializations failed and I fell into the Crush Trap is was trying to avoid.  I did not want that.  I can't seem to control who I fall in love with and I keep getting hurt.  Maybe suicide IS the right option.

Not because I am depressed but because I can't cope

I've Got a Secret

Secrets are something that I am not good at.  This is because of my autism.  Friends, I hear your refrain, take responsibility for your actions, but I try to, but I need to understand why I am bad at secrets and you need to understand why too.  Why does autism make for poor secret keeping?

For me, socializing is the most important thing in the whole world.  I have known this for ever even before I knew I had autism.  I knew that one way that I could gain the appearance of social acceptance was to know things that no one else knew.  I know that you want to jump to secrets, but here is the thing, in the past I did not see them as secrets, but as things that others did not know.  I can chastise myself for this now because I know, but recently I have been slipping.  

When you are friends with people they develop trust with you and they tell you things.  If you can't see or read their body language you don't see that what they are telling you needs to be kept between the two of you.  Truthfully, I still don't know when someone is telling me something that can be general knowledge and what is not.  I think this means that I have to treat every conversation as completely private.  Maybe that is it, every conversation has to be completely secret?  I did not see that.

Maybe the correct statement is that I am a poor secret keeper.  I don't see benefit to keeping secrets.  Well that is not true, what is true is that I don't keep my secrets well either.  If I am talking to someone and I know them and I want them to like me I fall back on an old tried and true strategy.  Tried and true just means that it is a method that worked in the past and so if it worked once many times in the past maybe it will work now.  I am not interested in hurting my friends, it is just I don't see how I am hurting them.  

Written words are even tougher.  The things I write here, the secrets I tell about myself, I know that they are only secrets because very few people I know read this.  I mentioned the blog on my Dating profile.  I have WaifGirl subscribed to the blog, and MountainWoman reads it, GardenerGuru was once reading it.  I know that they read it and therefore all the secrets written here are known to them.  I know that you are reading it right now.  This blog is not really a secret, because I have offered to include others in reading about it often, it is just not tatooed on my head.  What I am saying is that what I write here is not really a secret, but perhaps it should be.  Do I want MagicEyes and PolyGirl who read this blog to know everything?

If I do, I will start another blog and make it private, by invitation only.  If a blog were to say that, I would not speak of it, because that is explicitly telling me to shut up!  

But it is about how I hurt my friends.  I tell people things with no expectations of secrecy, if they tell me things how do I know what is private and what is not. Perhaps I have to extend the talk I recieved from the MountainWoman, she said that people want to be around me because I am a good person to be around and not because of what I can do for them.  I don't have to wash their dishes, I don't have to massage their back, I don't have to tell them things they don't know.  My value is in who I am and not what I can do.  But what about the people who don't know who I am, what do I do to show them that I have value?  What do I say to SuperGirl to let her want to know me?  That one is lost, but what about the next person?  

The fear is that if I am not talking about stuff they don't know, doing their dishes, giving them a massage, will I have no new friends?  Perhaps MountainWoman will give me a smack and say, if they are unwilling to get to know you, then they are not worth knowing.  But, SuperGirl was a person I thought was worth getting to know, only she was not interested in getting to know me

Stop talking about my friends to my other friends, stop treating their words like you treat your words.  Stop referring to my friends with their names, but perhaps just use the names I give here.  I will call Seventh Seventh if she comes up in conversation and not her real name.  Is that too extreme?

Okay how about: just shut up!

I don't hate people

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